FULL STOP!

Don't get me wrong on yesterday's post. I wasn't saying those who has been always care for me shouldn't call me. I was just saying, ... for those who never did, if you call me after you read my blog, I would doubt how sincere you are. Anyway, let forget about this topic.

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I came into office early this morning to finish marking my students' examination papers (8 left before I went to bed last night at 2am), and while I was marking the last 3 papers, the electricity in my office went off AGAIN. God knows and some of you do know how often this happen to this mall. Yes... my office is located in a mall and it is embarassing that power always cut off in a mall. This is not the first time. It happens at least once a month and it is annoying. My staffs of course shouted when the electricity went off as they were doing work and didn't manage to save their works (not that they don't want to save, sometimes it is just hard to keep on clicking it to save it). In a sudden thought, I wonder if Sabah really have problem being 'good'.

It was 2 weeks ago that my boss came in to my room with a letter from our client in which the content of the letter has I call it a very defamatory statement towards all the Sabahan. The West Malaysian have the opinion that the Sabahan are lazy and always do works slowly. Last night, I heard another version from a few other successful businessman stating that they heard the same comment recently too. I am just wondering if this is really an 'issue' for Sabah.

I am sure most of the Sabahan would think the statement made is somehow defamatory. However, may be it is time for the Sabahan to also examine themselves and their attitudes in work. We, the Sabahan has the attitudes of relaxing and don't rush thing, whereas, the West Malaysian, they need to rush for every moment in order to get things to feed their tummy. It's the 'situation' that caused the attitudes I would say. For people like me who came back from the West after a few years of living in the 'dark', of course I will consider my situation now in Sabah as 'good'. But in terms of productivity and efficiency, I am sure you would agree with me that, we really have a bit of problem in that and it has certainly caused some very impatient people around us to be a bit frustrated with our attitudes.

I encounter many lawyers here in Sabah who always relax in their works. At least, some of them only need to do some drafting and research and the rest of it, leave it to the staffs to finalise. For me, I try to balance up all. I do all my works including binding my own cause papers, type all my letters, photocopy, etc. etc. I am a Sabahan, but I am not lazy, I shall say.. and I do know people arounds me who is Sabahan also is not also lazy but diligent in their works. So, when I saw the statement that ALL Sabahan worker are lazy, I do found it 'defamatory'. What is defamatory? Ah... read my previous blog... can't remember when I posted it. Long time ago. hahahaha...

To conclude, it's the attitude of an individual person and it shouldn't related to the whole Sabah in general.

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... continue

See, it could be because I am older in age and I am the cell leader and that I do know many things (too many sometimes) and that somehow, people do have this kind of expectation over me. People will expect that I can handle things all by myself, people will expect me to love and care for them, people will expect me to help them with their 'situation', etc. etc. The expectation always laid on me without any prelimenary testing on my ability, how much I can handle, etc. and worse still, people do think that I am fine at all time and I do not need any love and care from others. A simple example, if I call you for lunch, would you think it is because you need my company or I need your company? For one or two of my friends of course it works 2 ways, but some people will be hurt if I don't ask them for dinner or 'yam cha'. hai... but seldom (almost none), people will ask me out for dinner or 'yam cha' instead. Most of the time, all these initiated by me instead. People do somehow, expect me to do all these and I am expected to do it well too.

I realise lately that I have failed to 'divide' my time, my care and my love evenly to EVERYONE and hence, I hurted many people arounds me. For a moment, I really thought of stopping all these and just be alone again and be heartless to all (Of course you know it is impossible because God commanded me to love my neighbours). It's not the issue of 'tired', it is the issue of disappointment or rather, discouraged. Of all that I have done, and that's what I got? Hurting them? I have hurted all those I care and love? ...

At one point, I really asked if that's what I deserve...

How many of them ... realise that I too need someone to care for? How many of them do realise that I too need help sometimes? At least, I think I do need someone to call me and asked if I need a dinner or a company sometimes especially after a bad day at work (ah... forget about calling me for that now... meaningless, hahaha... ). Wait.. I am not saying NONE of you out there care for me. Some of you have suprised me at all time, i.e. sending me dinner in office, bought me dinner, called me to check on me when I was sick, etc. etc. I truely appreciate that!!!

Oh well...

... to be continue again...

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Thought...

Since young, I always find it hard for someone to like me or love me because of who I am. All I gets are comments that I don't like. I am not smart, neither am I pretty or outstanding. My existence is merely due to I am someone's daughter, or someone's sister and not 'me' as ME. People recognise me and know me because of my parents, my brother, my uncles, my aunties, my relatives, my cousins, etc. etc. I therefore do not have my own identity ever.... until I reached England and met with this group of people who doesn't know me much. However, it bothers me as because they do not know my parents, my brother, I have this sense of 'rejection' when I was with them. I finally realise how many people arounds me accept me and I started to accept the fact that I am not someone whom some people will regards me as 'friend'. Some People will only regards me as 'friend' when they want something from me. Of course, I do have some whom are really dear to me as they know the 'real' me.

I found it hard to accept people arounds me and since then, I love to be alone even more. During my time in KL, I put on different faces when I met with different group of people. I HAVE to be strong when people expect me to be strong. I HAVE to be smart, when people expect me to be smart. I HAVE to be chicky when people expect me to be chicky. I HAVE to be good girl when people expect me to be good but I have seriously turned myself into a puppet instead. To many people, I am so strong that I can handle things happen around me by myself and people also thought that I do not need someone to love me, or hug me, or give me a pat on my shoulder or even prayer. And so, I have acted in my 'normal' self... i.e. when people do not want to help, I shall handle it by myself and may be that's the reason why I trained myself up to be really stronger and be able to handle things around me. Things happen to me makes me tougher and tougher each day.

To-date, I can 'proudly' say that I can even hide my own feelings. Even thought I am nervous and terrified, I can acted calm. When thing goes really wrong, I can still joke around and have fun. I am that good... .

It was these few conversation I had with some friends lately that made me recalled the past and realise that, because of my good 'pretention', I guess none of the family member do understand what I had gone through and what I am going through now. They never asked and even if they do, I can never be able to answer. I cannot remember when was the last time someone really care for me, and seriously, even if they do now, I will just acted so 'normally' and asked in my heart if this is sincere.

What happen to me in the past that caused me to be in today's state? I don't know. But I do know if it is not because of God, I probably has gone even worse and I probably have given up life. So if you ask me what is love, I can only tell you the experience I encountered with God.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I don't receive enough love from my parents. They have done a good job and whenever I struggles with living, they always around and they have been very understanding. I am not blaming them or anyone for anything. I am just happen to be in this 'situation'.

- ... to be continue -