Future | Chapter 2

When I wrote Future | Chapter 1 on 22 February 2020, I didn't know Covid-19 is impacting everyone's life today.  It was my own pondering and it's still what I ponder today as I am at home, doing the usual (or unusual for you), getting work sorted, cleaning the apartment, spending more time with God, reading His words, praying, praise and worship Him, etc.  

Many find it difficult to sit at home during the Movement Control Order (MCO).  Some people just have the culture or characters to go around places all the time and sitting down for more than 10 minutes just not possible.  I am totally the opposite.  I am not sure if I am trained to be one or I am born one, that can sit down and do nothing for hours and days or go around the small place / flat for hours without feeling bored but feeling not enough time to get everything done.  Being at home during MCO is blissful for me and I seriously hope this will last for another few weeks. 

No. It's not that I am afraid of being infected by Covid-19.  Trust me.  I do have some errands that I need to run this week, but I am reluctant to get it sorted for now because stepping out my place even to go down to throw rubbish seems like the hardest thing to do ever now. I want to finish this book I started and I have plenty of works to sort (drafting and sorting out evidence).  I can go back to the office as there won't be anyone in there and I will need to access to physical files, but seriously, who cares.... the court is not in operation and they are going to reschedule all the cases anyway. All the time frames and all are deemed impossible to be complied with and it needs to be rescheduled anyway.  So yeah.... I am procrastinating.... may be until I am paid.  😂

Everyone is worry about their future.  Some businesses are afraid of their profit and income and some workers are being laid off because the company no longer need their services.  The future is uncertain because no one knows what and where the future lies. Well, if you have spoken to me before, you know I haven't been really planning things ahead of me.  That's because, with all that sickness and all, I seem to gather that, whatever I planned ahead, nothing come around or at least, 90% won't come around.  I, therefore, hardly plan things ahead.  If you ask me what's my plan this Spring? or any plan for summer or this year-end, etc., I will tell you, "sorry.  I don't even know if I am alive next week". 

January 2020, I came across this verse in the Bible again and again: 

Proverbs 16: 9:  "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps".

I was telling Elizabeth I wonder if God is saying to me that I should not plan my course or future since He first told me I have to follow His plan (through the book by Timothy Keller:  The Prodigal Prophet), then I got a very strong signal that I am to close down the Firm and not plan for my future.  But at the same time, He is saying to continue what's in my hand for this year and so, I did not plan my future or anything in that sense.  My staff resigned and I didn't bother even to put on notice trying to engage another staff.  I don't know what He wants me to do.  All my applications for a job has been turned down too.  So, I am quite sure the door is not opened for me at the moment.  I have a strong feeling that it is not the right timing.  Anyway, not know what is coming my way, the Covid-19 is here and everyone is working from home.  It is just timely for me to get things sorted and also to pray and reflex to find out what He wants me to do next by the end of the year.  This year is the 15th year of me practising and that's exactly how long that I asked God to allow me to practice.  What's next? Well, He has to establish my steps.  I cannot see them. I can only follow it step by step, by faith. 

Am I being impacted by Covid-19? Of course, I am.  But I can only trust that He has a special plan for me at a specific time for a specific purpose.  I was sad that I won't be able to join the OM mission trip to Ireland again in March because a case (court of appeal) is fixed for hearing on the date itself.  I was quite upset about it when I learned that in November 2019 and so I took the step to celebrate Christmas in London, thinking I will probably kind of preoccupied the whole of 2020 since my staff have resigned too.  Well, I believe it is all about His protection, guidance and blessing that I did not make it to the mission trip, but ended up in London last December instead of March and April 2020. God certainly has some special plan.  The last Christmas in London was amazing.  The company was amazing, the experience and the sharing was unbelievable touching and life-changing.  

Truly, we do not have a 'future' to plan because we don't even know if we will survive today and wake up the next morning.  By grace, we do have next day... a chance may be for us to realise we need Him more than anything else.  For many who planned their future by investing in property and thinking they can use the rental to cover up their mortgage, they are facing a perishable future now.  For those who 'invested' before they have any extra finances, they are now facing the most difficult times in their life, as the debts are getting bigger in term of margin.  I wonder if they are going to spend the rest of their life just to settle the debts.  Is that all to lives? Is that all one life is for? Letting all these become your counterfeit God and worshipping, serving it till the moment you breathe your last breath?

I realised 2 years ago that, that's not I want.  I don't want to be enslaved by the law professions or my job or to just pay the mortgage and hire purchase. If I am being "threatened" about this again, I am going to sell off everything and just do something for Him the way He wants me to.  I keep my focus on.  I do not want to be rich.  I do not want my firm to be famous.  I don't want a big firm.  I want a firm that can support me to serve Him and I will make sure that I will serve Him the way He wants me to.  

I know this is going to be challenging but I can only trust Him that He will provide.  

I don't want to invest in this world.  I want to invest in His Kingdom, the eternal life that I will be staying at after I died and I hope I am not the only one doing this.  

 - Future | Chapter 2 - 

Achievement | No. 2

I consider myself who is below normal, i.e.  I always think I am one who is just someone who will not achieve much in life because I am not smarter than anyone, I am not richer than anyone, I am not as hard-working as others and I certainly not someone who is sociable enough to have a good connection with business partners or counterparts.  I am just not someone who everyone will love to connect and hang out with.  I grew up thinking if I am not dead by starving, that would be good enough. Furthermore, with all my health conditions I have since young, I do not expect I will live for too long or rather, I wish I don't live a long life. 

I turned 45 this year.  Amazing achievement because as health is getting weaker by the day, I can still reach year 45.  For many, achieving RM1 million before age 25 is an achievement; having a family by the age of 25 is an achievement; getting a job is an achievement; being able to feed the family is an achievement; being able to travel to London once is an achievement; being able to speak is an achievement; being able to stand up on stage once is an achievement; being able to sleep more than 8 hours a day is an achievement; being able to walk 0.1 miles is an achievement and the list goes on.  We all have that aim to achieve.  Not a person's achievement is greater than the other.  For someone who has RM1 to start off life with, being able to earn RM100 a day is deemed as a success.  For someone who is blind, being able to walk to the store him/herself and back home safely without a trip is an achievement. 

Having (-) or debts and bad health to start life with, I am grateful that I have 'achieved' so much as of today.  (a)  I am able to sleep more than 5 hours a day; (b)  I am able to survive until 45 without being adjudicated bankrupt; (c)  I am able to pay my car and housing loan without a single default so far; (d) I am able to pay my staff for the past 8 years; (e) I am able to bring my mom to UK for holiday for at least 3 times; (f) I am able to stay healthy; (g) I am able to communicate with people; (h) I am still able to make some friends; (i) I am able to go for mission trips; (j) I am able to cook for myself; (k) I am able to read, play guitar, play table tennis, rope jumping, jogging, running (with or without pain on certain part of my body); (l) I am still able to work; (m) I am still very much connected socially even though the church or members of the church are totally cut off from me; (n) I am still able to attend church services even though it's a once a week kind of thing;  and the lists go on.... and last but not least, I am still very much alive and that's my achievement.  

It's not an easy journey but whenever I look back and wonder how I get through all those days until today, there's no other answer than, it is HIM.  How do I get businesses, having an income, having work, etc, even while I have to go through surgery and stayed home for months if not years?  If it is not from God, I do not know how all these happened.  

My greatest achievement, to be honest, is that of all that has happened, is that I managed to hold on to Him, even though there are many times, I almost gave up.  Was it my efforts to hold on to Him? No. it's not entirely my effort.  He loves me so much that He never gave up on me and He NEVER let me go. In whatever situation I was and am in, He is here with me, guiding me, protecting me and blessing me.  My greatest achievement is turning around, get rid of my rebellious and testing attitudes and get back to Him and hug Him tight.  

God certainly has His purpose and when He moves things and make sure I go for 2 mission trips which were not within my comfort zone, I know there's a reason behind and I am glad I went, even though in fear and out of the comfort zone.  That's the greatest achievement so far, to be getting back to Him.  

What's my next aim? To stay alive and continue to hold on to Him and to serve Him the way He wants me to (and I wonder what and how).  Well, Lord, surprise me! 

- Achievement | No. 2 -  

Future | Chapter 1

It would be right if I say, we can plan for the future or we can foresee how future is pursuant to our current situation, action and wishes but none of us can really know what happen in future.  Everyone who venture or invested into a business in Semporna in the recent months if not years, thought they will be earning a lot and be wealthy in no time many months ago, but not since Covic-19 hit China and the Sabah government has taken drastic steps to forbid the entrance of any China nations to enter into the soil of Sabah on the basis that, Sabah has no sufficient facilities and resources to combat the diseases if being affected.  The whole tourism industry in Sabah is being affected badly.  Well, many now suffer losses and many businesses ended up being closed down and everyone is basically hoping that this epidemic series will end soon.  

How are we going to plan for our future? Most of us will only come to mind about planning for their future in terms of finances.  Yes, it is important that finances is to be sound for the future, otherwise, we will not be able to survive well without any job or when we are unable to work.  So, first thing first, when we plan for our future, we plan for our own use, our children’s or dependent’s usages, our retirement, our future payment, our insurance, etc.  In view of that, money is what we focus on when it comes to thinking about future.  

Some people planned so well on their future that, it is deemed as a waste when he/she died unexpectedly, leaving lots of monies, which ends up benefited others.  Some people didn’t plan at all and they end up living till 90s and having no money to lives the rest of their life well.  Some relied solely on their husband or wife, and some relied on their parents and some has no one to rely on and worked very hard and ended having a meaningless life.  I am not sure which category are you falling into, but I wonder if you have any future plan after life? 

I mentioned ‘meaningless life’ earlier on.  I agree that everyone sees the meaning of life differently.  Some see life being successful when they have earning, got married, have children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren (May be) and died graciously.  Some got married and divorced, some got married, have kids, and lives in their hell-like marriage life.  Some didn’t get married and lives meaningfully, some resorted by being gay and lesbian and they deemed as successful when they managed and have guts to tell the world that they are gay and lesbian or even fly a rainbow flag outside their apartment.  Whatever kind of life you are having, I always think, it is successful as defined by the person who think that life that they are living in is ‘meaningful’.  Me, well, after sorting out all the debts in hand in the past 15 years, I deemed that my life is successful as I have started life with debts and now, debts free. That’s my success.  But to many, because I do not have a saving, I am a loser.  Well, saving is just about to start and I only have 20 years left to earn.  Is that going to be sufficient? I always think it is, because with all the sicknesses I have, I think i will die less than 20 years.  But, who knows? 20 years just went past without me realising it.  I have graduated from Uni 20 years ago and in these 20 years, many things happened and none of those that had happened, is what I have planned to lives on.  

As I sit here to wonder what’s my future is, I asked myself if planning for the next 20 to 30 years more important or planning for the ‘eternal life’ that I will have is more important.  What is there to prepare and plan for the ‘eternal life’ exactly? 

- Future | Chapter 1 -