Relationship with God I

It's been a long 'battle' with God this time and just about a week time, I shouted - I surrender. Well, this is me.  My relationship with God always not about "God says A, I do A, God says B, I do B".   I always stand firm on my ground, put on my argument, fight and if I lose (never win), only then I will do what He wants me to do. 

During the 'fight',  people around me will usually hear me voicing out my dissatisfaction about God, numerous reasons (mostly non-sense excuses) and think that I must have lost faith in God or that I have 'departed' with God.  Oh well, I don't blame these people who never understand the relationship I have with God.  

I am not so sure about how you define closeness with God.  I certainly can do anything, even fighting with those I am close with, knowing that no matter how much we fight, we still love each other and talk good about each other in front of any 3rd party.  Well, over and over again, people hear me saying, "He didn't treat me good, He loves others better, He forgot about me, etc. etc".  OH WELL, most of the time, that's what I would say, but deep down in me, I know He has been the faithful God over the years, He has been great, love me as much, provided me everything and I have NOTHING if not because of him.  

It is NOT what I want that is matter.  Day 1 I know this and I know if He intends to take everything away from me, He can do that within a second.  I don't 'earn' anything that I have today with my own ability, it is all by His grace and mercy as well as His love. 

In the past 3 weeks, this message about me being of little faith (Thomas) keeps appearing... fear overtook me every single time when He says, just put down everything and let me lead you because immediately my mind wander around about being back to the poor me again, needing to just work as a hard labour and eat only 1 meal a day, without shelter, without bed, etc.  But God again and again said, I should have more faith in Him.  After all, what I have today, it is from Him, not from my own ability and efforts.  It's all by His grace and mercy and I just have to trust Him.  At one point, I am afraid, and another, I cannot wait to know what's next.  

My mind, the conscious and knowledgable minds, always trying my best to comprehend what can and cannot be done, what should and shouldn't be done... and that's the same mind and brain that cause me to have less and less faith in the past months, if not years to have lose faith in Him and His guidance.  Really? By being a lawyer, my future is GUARANTEED? By being something else, my future is NOT guaranteed? Really? 

I came to the conclusion that I surrendered myself and truly understand that this verse means: I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me…  GALATIANS 2:20, 

I seriously praying very hard these days, knowing that by the end of May 2020, things will be different.  I only know the time frame, not knowing what's next.  Again, I guess I just have to focus on the works that I need to handle for now and wait for Him to direct my next step.  Well, whatever it is, I am getting myself ready for it.

- Relationship with God I -

Willingness vs. Comforts

It's been months if not years that I have been struggling to give up everything to venture into something else.  There are 3 things that I should be sorting and applying and pursuing and I have given myself a deadline until September this year.  I was reluctant to pursue because it required quite a bit of sacrifice, such as leaving Sabah, giving up all my properties (selling them off), moving to a new place with no friends and community (not that I have any now also).  I probably being left again with no money, no certainty in life, no future, etc.etc.  Well, only God knows... but that first step is not something easy to take to begin with.  So, I have been procrastinating.

Last weekend, upon being invited, I visited my uncle who is dying of cancer.  His condition has not been well and deteriorating. So, I travelled to Sandakan with my cousin and her husband flew to Sandakan from Kuala Lumpur.  We met up, spent some time with my uncle and aunty together with my mother, my aunty Anna and her husband.  My mind was brought back to many years ago, when I came back from UK after I failed one of my paper - Torts, where I was at the verge of giving up pursuing my studies and return to Malaysia for good. It was this uncle who encouraged me to never give up, even though I have to resit for more than 5 times, I should not give up and that's from a very strict headmaster of a school.  I recalled a few conversations I had with him (I don't have many conversations with him because I am the youngest in the family and I hardly has the chance to talk to him), I recalled another conversation over the phone (he called to check on my mom after dad passed away and I picked up the call), and he took the opportunity to ask me how I am doing, reaffirming me that it's good to be back to Sabah for good, that KK is good, don't keep thinking about taking care of parents, pursuing happiness in life, etc.  This visit, besides asking me how tough the law profession is for me, etc, he's somehow fascinated about me going to mission trip once or twice a year.   I like how he 'check' on me.  He nodded his head when I said once or twice of the year and asked me if I have any plans to go to China, etc.  I told him I did went and it's getting tougher these days and he said, find ways!  Oh, when this coming out from someone who is not so devoted... it pierces my heart.

On Sunday, while I was falling asleep in the pew.... listening to the sermon (very long-winded), i somehow being reminded that, even though it is not a very promising future, but if that's God's will and your tasks to fulfil, you have to give up everything and fulfilled it anyhow. 

Over the weekend, I was reminded of a few things: -

(a)  Never give up is the right way to go;
(b)  Just to continue this routine of life until the moment I died is not the way I prefer to lives up to;
(c)  Take all the opportunity to fulfil God's assignment to me while I still have the ability to;
(d)  Put down my own desire and fear, trust in the Lord and moves forward; and
(e)  Giving up comforts and willing to step out.

It's sad to leave Sandakan knowing that it's probably the last time I will see my uncle, but like he said, while we are young and able, do as much to live a life that wins God's approval.  I seriously need to be willing to put down all the comforts I have now in order to win His approval.  Lord, help me!

* first step of comfort is in 2 weeks time.  I am freaking out seriously...

- Willingness vs. Comforts -

Values + Success

Many people value success by counting what materials they have in life.  Having few properties and few cars and good monthly income to many, it is a luxurious life and it is a success.  Growing up struggling every day financially, our family never value materiality as a success.  I did not grow up having everything, but I do know one thing that we can always do, that's to read.  We cannot buy a lot of things, including Lego, games, etc.  That's what we lack, but we are blessed with books and lots of books.  

Someone will go for a job which they think will give them whatever material things they want in life and that they can live life luxuriously - having the world best ice-cream, beef steak, best world holiday, etc.  Even to be able to fulfil their dream to be the COO, CEO, CFC, the boss of bosses, etc.  That's would be the best job to have.  That's generally what people is chasing after.  

When you earn the whole world and losses God/the bit and pieces of the 'earning' in His kingdom, is that still a success?  In the past few years, there are just too many friends and family members passed away.  Sending them off, seeing them lie in the coffin, I always ponder, now that he/she doesn't have the chance to 'earn' a piece of 'earning' in the kingdom of God, did they regret?  Did they regret spending time chasing after their own dreams and wealth and happiness on earth and forgot about 'investing' in the kingdom of God?  

You may say, you still serve in the church or God.  I don't have any doubt that you did and still do.  But you work 24/7 for your bosses and company/firm, but are you doing the same for God?  You can buy a few Rolex watches, but are you giving any to God? What are you investing in His kingdom, to be honest?

I don't value having everything as a success.  Not because I have everything today.  I don't have everything I want today because I don't need everything to lives a life that's to fulfil His purpose for me.  What I need is sufficient enough for me fulfil the purpose He has given me.  I probably value, getting a Masters Degree or  PhD better than having few landed properties.  I am not trying to justify my decision, I am just saying.... whatever God wants me to do, I will do, even though I am unwilling to ... and if He wants me to be a judge one day, I will too... but only if He directs me so. So what if I do not have few properties and few cars and millions of cash? As long as I am loved and valued by God as His faithful servant, I think I am contented. 

- Value + Success -