Over the past few years, on many occasions, I ended up asking the question of whether it is my problem that friends left me, unable to cope with partners and people. Most of the time, I think it's my problem. No doubt, I contributed half if not all of it to all these broken 'relationship'. When I signed up for a mission trip last year, the greatest fear in me was not about how to cope with the mission works, but if I am able to cope with the people I need to work with. I am glad I met a bunch of people who have one similar object/aim as me - focus on God, serve God, reach out to others and love God and people. It'd been a while since I last gather with people like this. I will say, it's probably I have never seen these group of people ever since I came back to Sabah. When we manage to co-operate to get things sorted every day and at the same time, minister to each other, communicate with each other and pray for each other, I thought that should last forever.
After a few nights of sharing and all with people that understand more of my situation, I soon realised my so-called 'relationship' problem only happens in Sabah and that's because we are of different level. No. I am not saying that my level is so high up that no one is able to reach. I am also not saying because I had my tertiary education in England in full and that's I am on a higher class or level. No. I am not. In fact, there are people who studied in England and lives in England for 20 years and still not at the same level as me. The thing is, there are many things that sum up this issue of 'level'.
It could be family background, education background, education level, attitudes and characters of the person, and even religious background or where you grow up at. Not everyone is of the same level, even though we could be having the same education or in the same professions. After I suffered major depression some 10 years ago, I tend to be very cautious about getting around with people that I am compatible with. I will still be able to get along happily with people that are of different level, but I am unable to be with certain people who are selfish, greedy and insensitive of other's feeling. I get annoyed when they always think they are right, or agitated me with their characters and attitudes. Yes. I get more sensitive these days and I don't mind they left me too, to be honest.
Over the past year, my only prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to do next and that I am not doing it alone. God has been good to send a few people into my life, who somehow acknowledged that they are not my friends, but my special friends. Some who spent time trying to understand my situation and to analyse things with me, etc. Some knew my weaknesses and still stick around, some just pray, some just sent comforts words now and then, some sent flowers and gifts or even just greetings from time to time. It's these people that I realise, (a) I am in a wrong place (b) I am in a wrong church (c) I need a life (d) I need to do something for myself after doing things for other for so many years now (e) It's time to step out and moves on because I am not dying as yet.
I am thankful to have found some people who are compatible with my thinking. It's so not easy to find one these days. I am very much reminded of who I am, why am I doing what I am doing now, why did I come back, what God says, what choice do I have, can i make those choices, etc. I am glad i am being forced to think instead of pushing it to the side and let things sink in as the day goes by.
Over the years, it's always about doing things for others. It is now time doing things for myself. What's next? (a) Transfer Bar to UK - in progress (I tried for the past 8 years and our Sabah Bar wasn't being recognised and I only got 1 year in Malaysian Bar, so....) ; (b) Finish the Arbitration Course (2/4 to go); and (c) finished the Research Proposal by September and start making applications to LSE and other Universities for PhD and pray hard that Fund is available so I do not have to let go of my condo and firm now. What's my back up in case I failed to get what I want? I can always come back to Malaysia to work or continue to be Solicitor in the UK. I guess... Or Solicitors in other places since Solicitors in the UK is acceptable everywhere in the world.
Praying very hard that all these are sorted by next year before the next mission trip in April 2020, so I can start sorting more things out by next year (by next year, I will be in the 15th years of practice, which I told God it will be the maximum years I am practising law). I remember too, that I told God that I will stop practising if one of my matter is going to Federal Court, which it just happened. So, I guess it is confirmed that I am leaving this practice soon (I know my mom is going to nag and worry and all.. but ya, whatever. hahaha.. )
If it is not now, I don't know when. Seriously. I could be much older compared to Liz, but I do get motivated by her. I am impressed in fact and at the same time, proud to know her. She's just one of those compatible people who talk senses and being rational as well as having so much feeling when you discuss matters with her. Someone who always end up saying, "let's uphold this into God's hand", or "let's pray". or "let's let God leads the way". When submitting everything to God even though she has the 'ability' to sort things out herself, is something admirable. That full submission to God, the acknowledgement of how weak we are and how great and marvellous God is..., she's just told me our lives is in His hand. I am blessed by her humanity and timidity when it comes to God. No. She does not grow up in church, she doesn't have parents who are Christian, she doesn't live in Malaysia, she's only 1/3 of Chinese, she is rich and super smart and yet, her focuses is only on God. Very impressive. I am certainly blessed to have known her and be ministered by her.
I can only say, we are of the same 'level' on a lot of areas of our lives. Unlike some people I met, always says, "I am like that, like me or hate me that's all" or "I am of low education and I am not up to your standard and then blame me for looking down at them" or "I didn't have the chance to study in the UK like you did, not so good life". Wow... was my life BETTER in England? While I was doing a part-time job to survives and eat only rice with soy sauce, where were you? People can push all the blames on me, rather than seeing how hard life would be for me to reach today. I am sorry you are not at the same level as me today, but I am not sorry that you are of another level today because you did not put efforts into it. So, stop pushing that blame on me. I didn't cause it. You do.
- Compatibility -
