I am trying to draw a line in between old and new chapters. Oh well, we don't usually do that unless something major happen. But I am drawing it because I have successfully cross over a boundary I wasn't able to for the past 37 years. Some new achievement in spiritual, in my career, in my life, achievement, emotions, health. Amazing, with my motto set last year for the year... "Stay alive", I somehow managed to stay alive for the past 7 months.
Great achievement to be able to voice things out and share with great friends about what happen to me. To be able to share a little bit more about what's my aim, my worries, etc. A great achievement to be able to put the past behind me and move on. IT's a great achievement to be able to accept the fact that, it's the church that caused my break down, etc and yet, not blaming it all to them, but to myself, to have such expectation on the church and some leaders of the church. I should have known when one or two of them told me, pastoral care is to be practice by the priest alone. It's not something I have known or taught with as a leader for the past 25 years. Serving in this church is challenging and yet... I am putting a stop to it.
As usual, people who knows me, will know exactly whether what they heard is correct or incorrect. I hates lies... and for those who lied to me, I am hurt and for those who lied on me, I am feeling even more hurtful. However, I am drawing this think line now.. to signifies that for the coming future... this will be gone past me like what Jenny Lim did to me.
I will try to keep the motto until the end of the year, with additions sub-motto which states: "- happily" now. I am happy with my life. I am contented. I am satisfied.
I hope this last.
- New Layout! -
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
The Past
I took a taxi home as usual and as the taxi arriving my place, I saw 2 girls riding bicycles around and one purposely ran over some waters and having fun. I got down from the taxi and I realised, it's my neighbour's daughter. I told my mom about it and we laughed because I also told her 25 years ago, i was the only one riding a bicycle at this neighbourhood as the area was not fully developed yet. We ponder for a while how fast time flies. hahaha... Somehow, dad had connection with the developer and we move in before even we have a telephone line and electricity provided. Oh well... it's Tawau. hahaha...
- The Past -
- The Past -
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Random Thoughts
I have been having random thoughts lately... even in my sleeps... yeah.. dream has came to me ever since I started to take medication. Yeah... bad dream is one of the side effect of the medication. Hence, getting a quality sleep is almost impossible these days.... even though I need it. Weird ai? haha...
Well, for the past 2 weeks, I was rushing like crazy for works ... litigation works are really sucks.... and stressful. I was scare i missed out certain things and didn't manage to file things on time, etc. etc. Anyway, so far, everything went well, except, more and more cases to be attend. I was telling one of the people I met that I am free to go for holiday any time... and so, I should... while I can. Yes. Business is top priority now since I do not have anything else to occupy me.
I have been having lots of thoughts about emotional reliance. Some people think I was too attached to some people previously and that's why I had certain expectation towards them and so, when expectation not met, I collapsed. Oh well, no one would really expect their close friends to left them during the hardest moment of their life. Coping with new things in life, newly found sicknesses, financial burdens, change of job, ... I was completely left having my own self and me alone with the problems. In a way, I am actually glad to be able to find out they are not really true friends of mine. But speaking of emotional reliance... I guess everyone of us needs it. Be it at the time of difficulties or otherwise. I can't blame anyone for everything happens because as bad as I was affected emotionally and lost of the emotions reliance, I guess everyone was affected emotionally through my emotional disturbance too. In a way, who are out there who can tell me you are better than me when it comes to dealing with emotions now a day? Trust me, if you were in my position, I guarantee you were worse than me. By watching the HK series, I realised, that's what exactly I was lack of, suddenly... in a glimpse of eyes... ! I am not losing just one husband or ... just one person in my life. I have lost EVERYONE in my life. All of a sudden, I am, or my emotions are being left empty. Everyone just telling me, they have more things to do then be my emotional support. Everyone rather scarify me. Of course, who am I right? Understood.
I am 37 years this year. My bank account has less than RM1,000.00 and I have debts more than 450K. What exactly have I achieved, I asked... none... not even a friend I gained from 37 years of life. After so many years of serving God faithfully, I was being abandoned completely by church and leaders of the church during the hardest time in my life. However, someone told me just a while ago, that her dad passed away at the age of 33 and we have exceeded that age now... and we still have 'time' to do more than what he achieved. Of course, we both doubted we can.. hahaha...
How much longer will I lives? I wonder... some of you heard this from me before. I will make sure I die before I can't walk or insane. hahaha.. yes. Since my immune system is getting weaker and weaker each day due to the sicknesses, .... I guess, I need to start to do what I plan to do soon. I am already walking with clutches now... I better make sure I do the work before I sit on the wheelchair.
Do you know not many people has the privilege to kill themselves? You don't believe... then you should come and visit my dad... and then you will know exactly what it meant by you are so down that you want to kill yourself and yet you can't ... . and yes, you need the gut too. How many can put a knife through your body like I did? It brings lots of satisfaction after I did it though... it's like a great achievement. I am sure not many understand this. haha...
Yup, those were in my thoughts lately. Oh.. and that includes... how many more months can my firm last? hehe.. after this month... I can't see anything coming in, unless EK has started bringing me businesses. Oh well, ... it's time to pray!
Pray... hmm... that's interesting. I have been praying for the past 37 years... and why do I have the feeling that it's not helping much? Hmm... interesting. May be it is just a 'force' to make sure we achieve what we prayed for. haha... I don't know. I know nothing these days.
- Random thoughts -
Well, for the past 2 weeks, I was rushing like crazy for works ... litigation works are really sucks.... and stressful. I was scare i missed out certain things and didn't manage to file things on time, etc. etc. Anyway, so far, everything went well, except, more and more cases to be attend. I was telling one of the people I met that I am free to go for holiday any time... and so, I should... while I can. Yes. Business is top priority now since I do not have anything else to occupy me.
I have been having lots of thoughts about emotional reliance. Some people think I was too attached to some people previously and that's why I had certain expectation towards them and so, when expectation not met, I collapsed. Oh well, no one would really expect their close friends to left them during the hardest moment of their life. Coping with new things in life, newly found sicknesses, financial burdens, change of job, ... I was completely left having my own self and me alone with the problems. In a way, I am actually glad to be able to find out they are not really true friends of mine. But speaking of emotional reliance... I guess everyone of us needs it. Be it at the time of difficulties or otherwise. I can't blame anyone for everything happens because as bad as I was affected emotionally and lost of the emotions reliance, I guess everyone was affected emotionally through my emotional disturbance too. In a way, who are out there who can tell me you are better than me when it comes to dealing with emotions now a day? Trust me, if you were in my position, I guarantee you were worse than me. By watching the HK series, I realised, that's what exactly I was lack of, suddenly... in a glimpse of eyes... ! I am not losing just one husband or ... just one person in my life. I have lost EVERYONE in my life. All of a sudden, I am, or my emotions are being left empty. Everyone just telling me, they have more things to do then be my emotional support. Everyone rather scarify me. Of course, who am I right? Understood.
I am 37 years this year. My bank account has less than RM1,000.00 and I have debts more than 450K. What exactly have I achieved, I asked... none... not even a friend I gained from 37 years of life. After so many years of serving God faithfully, I was being abandoned completely by church and leaders of the church during the hardest time in my life. However, someone told me just a while ago, that her dad passed away at the age of 33 and we have exceeded that age now... and we still have 'time' to do more than what he achieved. Of course, we both doubted we can.. hahaha...
How much longer will I lives? I wonder... some of you heard this from me before. I will make sure I die before I can't walk or insane. hahaha.. yes. Since my immune system is getting weaker and weaker each day due to the sicknesses, .... I guess, I need to start to do what I plan to do soon. I am already walking with clutches now... I better make sure I do the work before I sit on the wheelchair.
Do you know not many people has the privilege to kill themselves? You don't believe... then you should come and visit my dad... and then you will know exactly what it meant by you are so down that you want to kill yourself and yet you can't ... . and yes, you need the gut too. How many can put a knife through your body like I did? It brings lots of satisfaction after I did it though... it's like a great achievement. I am sure not many understand this. haha...
Yup, those were in my thoughts lately. Oh.. and that includes... how many more months can my firm last? hehe.. after this month... I can't see anything coming in, unless EK has started bringing me businesses. Oh well, ... it's time to pray!
Pray... hmm... that's interesting. I have been praying for the past 37 years... and why do I have the feeling that it's not helping much? Hmm... interesting. May be it is just a 'force' to make sure we achieve what we prayed for. haha... I don't know. I know nothing these days.
- Random thoughts -
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