Another year of mercy and grace.

 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone. The differences is only the degree of difficulties one faced.  I personally find things challenging when my mom was sick and not well and that she has been staying with me at KK since August 2020.  The fact that we have been living a separate life for the past 26 years contributed to that difficulties to cope, but we both do know however that we won’t have such a chance like this that comes by easy.  If not because of the pandemic and if not because of she was sick, we wouldn’t have this chance to know each other better.  There’s so much to learn about staying with my mom.  Being someone who is stubborn by nature, always selfish and dominant, it’s so difficult for her to do the odd, even though there’s no alternative choice for her.  Knowing that she’s upset, I couldn’t help her to adjust herself to fit into the situation easily.  It’s pain to the both of us, but we move on.  Time somehow helped her to come by with her senses and she fit it much better than the first few months.  

2020 is not an easy year and yet we got through it with lots of thanksgiving to be counted, which probably last for a lifetime.  Despite the difficulties, I am glad because of my sickness, my situation, my constant travelling, I have always put my work in what I call, the mobile mode.  As long as you have an email, you have skype, facetime, zoom, whatsapp, telegram, there’s no way that you are unable to find me or connect with me.  I am ‘available’ in the online platform all the time. Existing clients know how to get me or to make appointment with me.  New clients can find me through website and fb.  I am just a phone call away and all you need is to send me the docs and I can sort things out for you.  That’s my mobile mode.  So, regardless if I am in London or in Edinburgh, Interlaken or Timbuktu, you will be able to connect with me. I guess most of my existing clients know about this and so, works didn’t stop during the lockdown since March even though I did have a fruitful and wonderful break the whole March.  I did managed somehow to caught up with bible reading/studying and feeding myself with lots of books, readings, and listening of God’s words.  Amazing time which I find that I am so blessed.  The other amazing thing is that ever since I left London in January 2020, I somehow feels like I am still with those in All Soul’s Langham because I still abel to attend their services and get connected with them.  What a blessing it is to have this pandemic and lockdown. 

I thought I did have less income in 2020 but my auditor just told me last year that in fact, I did better than 2018 and 2019.  I told her that I am however worry about 2021 but she said, I always got though the year as if God is watching me and providing and so she said, she is not worry.  Seriously, i don’t know.  I don’t even know if I have any collection next month, but I guess I can’t do much except pray and have faith in Him.  Looking back at 2020, I can only say, “why do I need to worry? Even 2020, He has brought me through”.  

2020 has taught me lots, including counting the blessing despite facing difficulties and unprecedented situation, which future was and still unknown.  I got through 2 birthday now since January 2020 and I have to say i really thank God for His mercy and grace upon me.  I don’t know what’s next, but I pray and trust that He will lead me through step by step.  

Just this week, while being busy preparing for Trial in a week time, the Judge has decided to rescheduled the Trial to June.  I always unable to cope well with sudden change of plan or schedule.  This time, it’s the same except, I feel kind of relief, for no reason because I have prepared everything by now and I wanted the trial to proceed so I can collect some fund before month end.  I went to office with the not knowing what to sort next kind of mood this morning and I was reminded by a friend that, now that the Trial is rescheduled, I might be able to join the Mediation Course next week that I always intended to join.  I quickly look into the email and saw that the deadline to register was 2 days ago and nevertheless, I still contacted Sabah Law Society, told them I am interest but with 2 issues.  1.  deadline to register is over 2. I have 3 hearings next week.  They person in charged made enquiry for me and I was allowed to attend the court with exceptions for 3 sessions to attend court hearing.  I must say, they have organised 3 times now for this course and each time, it cost about RM6K, except this time, which is only RM3K.  Isn’t God’s timing the best? I have no idea why I am given such privilege (may be partly because i am senior lawyer, and partly because i am a Associates Arbitrator), but I am glad that He leads the way.  

Today’s matter just reminded me that all i need is to trust Him in every step. He will arrange. Everything is in His hand.  I am glad that my life and connection  or relationship with God has again reached the level just like when i was in University the last couple of years. I am glad He has sent me so many christian friends whom always been an encouragement to me in my walk with God.  Indeed, who am I if I do not have God?  I am glad He is a faithful God who will never leave me. I can’t wait to open my eyes everyday just to know what He has prepare for me to discover.  Be it good or tough time, Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  Guide each of my step, i pray.  

- Another year of mercy and grace - 

Why does God allow suffering?

 I don't quite remember what I wrote earlier, but after a few weeks or months, I kind of found the answer that God does allow suffering and it is kind of often for various different purposes.  He can purposely harden the heart of Pharoah, the can purposely harden the heart of Peter and Thomas. He can purposely harden your hearts and mine too. Just so that people will not focus on you, or others, but on God so that He will receive the glory and not anyone in the world. 

I often hear people asked if God is sovereign and loving, why did He allow suffering.  I always ponder over this and I always have this thought in me.  When we said suffering, what does it that mean and whether we have the same definition as what God has in His dictionary?  Since young, I realised that a moment of happiness or a moment of suffering will only be a moment, and it will not last forever. When we said we are in suffering, it could probably mean the pain and suffering or the unhappiness you are feeling outweigh the happiness that you received.  Not that the element of happiness is gone completely, just that it's overtaken by the elements of suffering by the majority.  

Were the Israelites without food, without help, without God, without shelter when they were leaving Egypt? Did God not give them promise? Did God not spare them their lives and their firstborn? Did God not shown 10 signs and make them dance and sing before they departed Egypt? They doubt they worried, they feel discouraged, they started to complaint about God and even angry with Moses.  No. that's not happening just to them, but to us today too.  We are certainly related to this in our own lives today, aren't we? 

When we are given a promotion, we closed our multimillion deals, we got married, we have our own children, we have our dream house, we went to our best holiday, we were being loved, we are healthy, we are promised with lots and lots of blessings by our God, we are happy and overwhelmed by the happiness and think we can now take control of our own lives and that we do not need God and we can just tell the priest and cell group leader that we are a busy man and woman and we do not have time for a petty chat on God, we can study our own bible the way we want it and we can do more than what a priest can do or if you are a priest, you declared that your family do not now need to go to the church service because you can always hold one at home and give them the best Christian education they needed. We tend to be God. we wanted more power and authorities be given to us and God sometimes did gives and you have accomplished much with that power and authorities and soon, you forgot that all these are from God. 

Does it sound familiar? And when Covid19 pandemic started in March and you started to lose that singleness of 'freedom' you think you acquired with your own power and ability, you started to voice your dissatisfaction to everyone, you think about publishing your own write up about freedom and every day you wake up, you think about ways that you can do just to raise 'awareness' about our human rights, our freedom and you started to dislike God when things work the way it is not your way.  You started to lost focus, and you lost your bearing and your business started to plunge and you asked, "Why God? Where are you? You said You love me,  but why all these?"

Do we live for us or for God.  Does everything that happened is for and about us or for and about God and His glory? That's not in your mind.  Instead, the majority of your thinking is overwhelmed by 'how should I survive' the next few months if not years because of the pandemic? Why did God send the pandemic? Why did He allow suffering?  

I only have one answer to your questions:  God is letting all these happened so that you know who God is and that at the end, His name is glorified.  Says who? Says Moses in Exodus, David in Psalms, Paul and Peter.  

Why does God allow suffering? Because He loves you and wants you back to His embrace.  Are you awake yet? 

- Why does God allow suffering? - 

Does God allow suffering?

It was about half a year ago, that I texted a good friend who is a missionary, checking on how she is coping with lockdown and the travel restriction since she was always on the move and always about travelling to mission fields at least twice a month.  I thought it would be challenging for her to stay at home most of the time now and so, it's out of concern that that texted her.  Our conservation ended us in fiery debates.  I was calmed enough to cool myself down and wonder what did I said went wrong and how did she react in such rage.   

So, the conversation begins with me asking how is she coping and all and I jokingly said something like, "you know you are like a monkey that cannot stop moving", which she usually will be able to pick it up and laughed about her always on the moving character.  She somehow picked that up differently this time and states that she is not a monkey and she is a human loved by God and if I do not have anything better to say instead of accusation, I should stop. Agreed completely and I said, I am sorry and I hope she is fine and well.  Just went I was putting my phone away, she raged and said, "You should be more compassionate in your words, especially when you do not know what others are going through". Agreed. I am not God whom I can read minds or be able to know what's going through with others.  But then I got angry very much by what she said now because as far as I remember, she's never present during the most difficult time of my life and always pinpoint that I should be more focus on God during the most difficult time of my life later.  I never responded to her incompassionate, heartless and judgemental comments all the year. So, I responded saying, "whatever you are going through, I hope you will hold tight to Him and He will deliver".  She rebuked my saying and said, "God never created suffering.  People suffer because they are not closed to God or God did not give them grace". I totally disagree with what she's saying and I couldn't believe this came out from her mouth because we grew up in the same church, by the same teaching and yet, her believes had departed so far away because of her recent years of attending a church that's so much about the prosperity gospel.  I did not argue with her on this theological part.  She will not be able to listen anyway because to her, I suffered the 'suffering' because I am not close to God and she's the one who is close to God and she has all the grace and mercy from God because she is doing His will and doing His works.  I was troubled and at the same time, feeling so upset about this whole incident.  My mind went to only one issue, "Did God allowed suffering to His people?"

I have no idea what is prosperity gospel, or its teachings are about, but every single time, I heard one, I wonder if it is a manmade gospel that people choose what they like to hear and do away what they do not like to hear.  I am glad I re-read the book of Job a few times during the Christmas holiday in 2019 while I was in London.  I am glad I studied 1 & 2 Corinthians, Romans, James and 1 Peter during the first lockdown in March and April 2020.  I am so glad that I went through so much suffering in the past during my ministries in CCL that I know clearly that God did allow suffering to His people for various reasons.

I understand there are a group of people who will focus on, "If you are doing good and following every step that the Lord has instructed you to do, you will never need to be in suffering".  I call these people, a 'luxurious missionary', whom do not understand or able to experience the true meaning of 'sharing in Christ's sufferings'.  Are they saying that Jesus could have done something 'wrong' that caused Him the needs to endure suffering and to be put to death? Are they saying that God does not have the power to give us suffering that we need in our spiritual growth and/or to strengthen our relationship with Him? Are they saying that our suffering, if any, is wasted and not part of His will or glory? If God only gives us blessing, how well do we understand and experience how much suffering Jesus endures for us so we are saved by His grace and mercy?  How much we are able to understand how firm we stand if we did not go through suffering in our ministries and in serving our Father in heaven? Is one able to overcome feeling shameful when they suffered for Christ as Christian so God is glorified? How are we going to be trained to rejoice and be glad when we share Christ's sufferings one day when his glory is revealed? If we do not have Christian suffering, is that mean we have chosen the world over Christ? 1 Peter has clearly stated the suffering that a Christian will face and how one should stand firm and overcome as we are facing it. Maybe Peter understands the struggles better than any other disciples because he was put in the hot plate once, which he has no choice but denied Jesus 3 times.  But he quickly repented and Jesus has entrusted him with his ministries later when he rose again.  He experienced the hardship of being Jesus' disciple and endured lots of suffering thereafter but he never loss his focus and even reminded others to stand firm, rejoice, and hopeful, even in all the suffering he has to endure. 

I always think the moment one wants a comfortable life, they will never be able to be a missionary.  They will want comforts, luxury, money, the world because those seem promising.  To follow Christ, it is hard work, it is suffering and it is difficult, even though it is lots of blessing.  Until and unless we know how to accept suffering as Christian as a blessing, I guess, people will not understand what it means by sharing Christ's suffering.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not trying to 'beautified' suffering.  It does not need me to beautified it but it is clearly stated in the Bible that it is a privilege for those who are sharing Christ's suffering.  If one is rejecting Christian suffering, they are basically rejecting His teaching and His divine appointment and blessing.  

I am glad that I was sharing Christ's suffering when I was serving in CCL.  I totally understood how much Jesus must have felt when He was being rejected, accused and blamed.  Even though today, I still upset about what happened, but I am glad somehow that I did not depart from knowing Him more or lose Him.  Instead, God has brought me to see a bigger picture and even strengthen our relationship even stronger.  I am thankful now for those suffering He put in my life for me to experience.  I am thankful that He has shown me how much I need Him for in my life and how much I need to equip myself more in order to serve Him better.  I admitted that I was wrong and I was too weak to stand 'trial' when I was attacked.  Just like Peter, I tried my own way to flee from difficult situations, trying to save ourselves and gave up. But both Peter and I would have known that now that's that is not the end.  It's the beginning of a greater mission.  Just like Job.  No matter how much he thinks he has done so much for Nineveh, God shown Him that, with or without him, God's will will be done anyway.  IT is all, how much we want to be part of it, or rather, how much God allowed and gave us the privilege to be part of it that counts.  

If God allows suffering in your life, it is a privilege and you should embrace it.  By prayer and petition, we all should stand firm, focus well, rely on Him fully in getting through it because it is a way that God shows us how much he cares for us.  There is no need for us to feel despair.  Not everyone has suffered in their lives. 

I later found out that my friend is to go through a spinal surgery the next day.  In my heart, I did laugh because, to me, surgery is NOTHING near 'suffering'.  I have gone through many times and instead of seeing it as suffering, it is how God heals and make us better, physically so we can do more works for Him.  I am, however, still sad that my friend is now immensely believing in the prosperity gospel.  

I do hope one day, soon... she will understand better about suffering and how to share Christ's suffering and looking forward to the day glory is revealed. 

-  Does God allow Suffering -