His love, our faith

Today is the 24th day since the Movement Control Order (MCO) was ordered (18.03.2020).  I have seen many posts on fb and instagram that people lost their ‘sanity’ over inactivities.  Some grumbles about not being able to go to office to work, some lost their excitement about attending church services, serving God, preaching, gathering, etc. In gist, many are not used to life when their daily routine is interrupted.  This, however, has been my routine and what I deemed blessed is that, without the need to go out to meet people and to attend church services, I gets to do the usual with additional church services to attend (online).  I find joy in all that of course.  

Covid19 might bring a lot of changes to many people’s lives, but not to me.  It has given me revelations and more insight on the special relationship I have with our Lord.  We are in the middle of the holy weekend, with me, totally down with 0 ability to deal with myself and/or to function as human yesterday (Good Friday) and so, I opened my eyes from my bed, check the time, and on the tv and Youtube and straight to worship God and meditate on God and what Jesus did in bed.  Amazingly, with the experience in mission trip last year, and with the sermon preached, it really took me a while when the preacher asked, “are you willing to be served?”.  To be served by God? By Jesus? To allow Him to wash my feet?  I drew me to close in wonder what I have been doing when I keep saying, “I am not worthy for His love and His sacrifices”.  If i am not willing, I will have no parts in His Kingdom.  My heart sank the moment I thought about this and wonder, it’s not Him who did not give me what I want.  It is how much I am willing to be served in order to be part in His kingdom. Lord, forgive my stupidity and have mercy on Him.  Yes, I am willing to be served and You can wash my feet. 

It’s so weird that no one seems to have problem washing others’ feet, but there’s always embarrassment and unwillingness when someone wants to wash our feet.  I am not sure if that’s happening to you, but that’s certainly means we can serve human better than letting God serves us.  Are people also the counterfeit God I have created to focus on these days? 

Well, one of the challenge I realise during this MCO is that, people can easily focus in Him, putting Him first when they have a group of people to support them, they have the church to support them, letting them to praise and worship and to involves in ministries, some even be able to preach and to minister to others.  But where is He and how much can you focus on when you are all alone by yourself, not for one day, but for weeks and years?  Will you still be able to praise Him, focus on Him and grow in Him spiritually? I am glad I am an introvert and it’s these period of time, I manage to focus on Him much better than those days where I have the works, mom and others to worry about.  I certainly enjoying this MCO so much that I wish I have time with Him than other things in the world.  

Having said that, I am glad I am feeling much alive today and so I praised and worshipped Him this morning while waiting for my meal to be cooked.  It’s Easter tomorrow and I am preparing myself for the moment to celebrate Him even if I am all alone.  That excitement and joy.... I guess, only He and I know, and that’s our current relationship at the moment and I am looking forward to much more to come. 

Are you finding His love and establishing and/or founding your faith in Him this MCO and this Easter too?

Well, blessed Easter.  

I love you, Jesus.  I do.. and thank You for loving me first.  I won’t forget from now on that you have suffered the loneliness and rejection for me on the Cross so that I won’t suffer the same anymore.  Thank you for the sacrifices just because You love me.  

- His love, our faith - 

Future | Chapter 2

When I wrote Future | Chapter 1 on 22 February 2020, I didn't know Covid-19 is impacting everyone's life today.  It was my own pondering and it's still what I ponder today as I am at home, doing the usual (or unusual for you), getting work sorted, cleaning the apartment, spending more time with God, reading His words, praying, praise and worship Him, etc.  

Many find it difficult to sit at home during the Movement Control Order (MCO).  Some people just have the culture or characters to go around places all the time and sitting down for more than 10 minutes just not possible.  I am totally the opposite.  I am not sure if I am trained to be one or I am born one, that can sit down and do nothing for hours and days or go around the small place / flat for hours without feeling bored but feeling not enough time to get everything done.  Being at home during MCO is blissful for me and I seriously hope this will last for another few weeks. 

No. It's not that I am afraid of being infected by Covid-19.  Trust me.  I do have some errands that I need to run this week, but I am reluctant to get it sorted for now because stepping out my place even to go down to throw rubbish seems like the hardest thing to do ever now. I want to finish this book I started and I have plenty of works to sort (drafting and sorting out evidence).  I can go back to the office as there won't be anyone in there and I will need to access to physical files, but seriously, who cares.... the court is not in operation and they are going to reschedule all the cases anyway. All the time frames and all are deemed impossible to be complied with and it needs to be rescheduled anyway.  So yeah.... I am procrastinating.... may be until I am paid.  😂

Everyone is worry about their future.  Some businesses are afraid of their profit and income and some workers are being laid off because the company no longer need their services.  The future is uncertain because no one knows what and where the future lies. Well, if you have spoken to me before, you know I haven't been really planning things ahead of me.  That's because, with all that sickness and all, I seem to gather that, whatever I planned ahead, nothing come around or at least, 90% won't come around.  I, therefore, hardly plan things ahead.  If you ask me what's my plan this Spring? or any plan for summer or this year-end, etc., I will tell you, "sorry.  I don't even know if I am alive next week". 

January 2020, I came across this verse in the Bible again and again: 

Proverbs 16: 9:  "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps".

I was telling Elizabeth I wonder if God is saying to me that I should not plan my course or future since He first told me I have to follow His plan (through the book by Timothy Keller:  The Prodigal Prophet), then I got a very strong signal that I am to close down the Firm and not plan for my future.  But at the same time, He is saying to continue what's in my hand for this year and so, I did not plan my future or anything in that sense.  My staff resigned and I didn't bother even to put on notice trying to engage another staff.  I don't know what He wants me to do.  All my applications for a job has been turned down too.  So, I am quite sure the door is not opened for me at the moment.  I have a strong feeling that it is not the right timing.  Anyway, not know what is coming my way, the Covid-19 is here and everyone is working from home.  It is just timely for me to get things sorted and also to pray and reflex to find out what He wants me to do next by the end of the year.  This year is the 15th year of me practising and that's exactly how long that I asked God to allow me to practice.  What's next? Well, He has to establish my steps.  I cannot see them. I can only follow it step by step, by faith. 

Am I being impacted by Covid-19? Of course, I am.  But I can only trust that He has a special plan for me at a specific time for a specific purpose.  I was sad that I won't be able to join the OM mission trip to Ireland again in March because a case (court of appeal) is fixed for hearing on the date itself.  I was quite upset about it when I learned that in November 2019 and so I took the step to celebrate Christmas in London, thinking I will probably kind of preoccupied the whole of 2020 since my staff have resigned too.  Well, I believe it is all about His protection, guidance and blessing that I did not make it to the mission trip, but ended up in London last December instead of March and April 2020. God certainly has some special plan.  The last Christmas in London was amazing.  The company was amazing, the experience and the sharing was unbelievable touching and life-changing.  

Truly, we do not have a 'future' to plan because we don't even know if we will survive today and wake up the next morning.  By grace, we do have next day... a chance may be for us to realise we need Him more than anything else.  For many who planned their future by investing in property and thinking they can use the rental to cover up their mortgage, they are facing a perishable future now.  For those who 'invested' before they have any extra finances, they are now facing the most difficult times in their life, as the debts are getting bigger in term of margin.  I wonder if they are going to spend the rest of their life just to settle the debts.  Is that all to lives? Is that all one life is for? Letting all these become your counterfeit God and worshipping, serving it till the moment you breathe your last breath?

I realised 2 years ago that, that's not I want.  I don't want to be enslaved by the law professions or my job or to just pay the mortgage and hire purchase. If I am being "threatened" about this again, I am going to sell off everything and just do something for Him the way He wants me to.  I keep my focus on.  I do not want to be rich.  I do not want my firm to be famous.  I don't want a big firm.  I want a firm that can support me to serve Him and I will make sure that I will serve Him the way He wants me to.  

I know this is going to be challenging but I can only trust Him that He will provide.  

I don't want to invest in this world.  I want to invest in His Kingdom, the eternal life that I will be staying at after I died and I hope I am not the only one doing this.  

 - Future | Chapter 2 - 

Achievement | No. 2

I consider myself who is below normal, i.e.  I always think I am one who is just someone who will not achieve much in life because I am not smarter than anyone, I am not richer than anyone, I am not as hard-working as others and I certainly not someone who is sociable enough to have a good connection with business partners or counterparts.  I am just not someone who everyone will love to connect and hang out with.  I grew up thinking if I am not dead by starving, that would be good enough. Furthermore, with all my health conditions I have since young, I do not expect I will live for too long or rather, I wish I don't live a long life. 

I turned 45 this year.  Amazing achievement because as health is getting weaker by the day, I can still reach year 45.  For many, achieving RM1 million before age 25 is an achievement; having a family by the age of 25 is an achievement; getting a job is an achievement; being able to feed the family is an achievement; being able to travel to London once is an achievement; being able to speak is an achievement; being able to stand up on stage once is an achievement; being able to sleep more than 8 hours a day is an achievement; being able to walk 0.1 miles is an achievement and the list goes on.  We all have that aim to achieve.  Not a person's achievement is greater than the other.  For someone who has RM1 to start off life with, being able to earn RM100 a day is deemed as a success.  For someone who is blind, being able to walk to the store him/herself and back home safely without a trip is an achievement. 

Having (-) or debts and bad health to start life with, I am grateful that I have 'achieved' so much as of today.  (a)  I am able to sleep more than 5 hours a day; (b)  I am able to survive until 45 without being adjudicated bankrupt; (c)  I am able to pay my car and housing loan without a single default so far; (d) I am able to pay my staff for the past 8 years; (e) I am able to bring my mom to UK for holiday for at least 3 times; (f) I am able to stay healthy; (g) I am able to communicate with people; (h) I am still able to make some friends; (i) I am able to go for mission trips; (j) I am able to cook for myself; (k) I am able to read, play guitar, play table tennis, rope jumping, jogging, running (with or without pain on certain part of my body); (l) I am still able to work; (m) I am still very much connected socially even though the church or members of the church are totally cut off from me; (n) I am still able to attend church services even though it's a once a week kind of thing;  and the lists go on.... and last but not least, I am still very much alive and that's my achievement.  

It's not an easy journey but whenever I look back and wonder how I get through all those days until today, there's no other answer than, it is HIM.  How do I get businesses, having an income, having work, etc, even while I have to go through surgery and stayed home for months if not years?  If it is not from God, I do not know how all these happened.  

My greatest achievement, to be honest, is that of all that has happened, is that I managed to hold on to Him, even though there are many times, I almost gave up.  Was it my efforts to hold on to Him? No. it's not entirely my effort.  He loves me so much that He never gave up on me and He NEVER let me go. In whatever situation I was and am in, He is here with me, guiding me, protecting me and blessing me.  My greatest achievement is turning around, get rid of my rebellious and testing attitudes and get back to Him and hug Him tight.  

God certainly has His purpose and when He moves things and make sure I go for 2 mission trips which were not within my comfort zone, I know there's a reason behind and I am glad I went, even though in fear and out of the comfort zone.  That's the greatest achievement so far, to be getting back to Him.  

What's my next aim? To stay alive and continue to hold on to Him and to serve Him the way He wants me to (and I wonder what and how).  Well, Lord, surprise me! 

- Achievement | No. 2 -