It's been months if not years that I have been struggling to give up everything to venture into something else. There are 3 things that I should be sorting and applying and pursuing and I have given myself a deadline until September this year. I was reluctant to pursue because it required quite a bit of sacrifice, such as leaving Sabah, giving up all my properties (selling them off), moving to a new place with no friends and community (not that I have any now also). I probably being left again with no money, no certainty in life, no future, etc.etc. Well, only God knows... but that first step is not something easy to take to begin with. So, I have been procrastinating.
Last weekend, upon being invited, I visited my uncle who is dying of cancer. His condition has not been well and deteriorating. So, I travelled to Sandakan with my cousin and her husband flew to Sandakan from Kuala Lumpur. We met up, spent some time with my uncle and aunty together with my mother, my aunty Anna and her husband. My mind was brought back to many years ago, when I came back from UK after I failed one of my paper - Torts, where I was at the verge of giving up pursuing my studies and return to Malaysia for good. It was this uncle who encouraged me to never give up, even though I have to resit for more than 5 times, I should not give up and that's from a very strict headmaster of a school. I recalled a few conversations I had with him (I don't have many conversations with him because I am the youngest in the family and I hardly has the chance to talk to him), I recalled another conversation over the phone (he called to check on my mom after dad passed away and I picked up the call), and he took the opportunity to ask me how I am doing, reaffirming me that it's good to be back to Sabah for good, that KK is good, don't keep thinking about taking care of parents, pursuing happiness in life, etc. This visit, besides asking me how tough the law profession is for me, etc, he's somehow fascinated about me going to mission trip once or twice a year. I like how he 'check' on me. He nodded his head when I said once or twice of the year and asked me if I have any plans to go to China, etc. I told him I did went and it's getting tougher these days and he said, find ways! Oh, when this coming out from someone who is not so devoted... it pierces my heart.
On Sunday, while I was falling asleep in the pew.... listening to the sermon (very long-winded), i somehow being reminded that, even though it is not a very promising future, but if that's God's will and your tasks to fulfil, you have to give up everything and fulfilled it anyhow.
Over the weekend, I was reminded of a few things: -
(a) Never give up is the right way to go;
(b) Just to continue this routine of life until the moment I died is not the way I prefer to lives up to;
(c) Take all the opportunity to fulfil God's assignment to me while I still have the ability to;
(d) Put down my own desire and fear, trust in the Lord and moves forward; and
(e) Giving up comforts and willing to step out.
It's sad to leave Sandakan knowing that it's probably the last time I will see my uncle, but like he said, while we are young and able, do as much to live a life that wins God's approval. I seriously need to be willing to put down all the comforts I have now in order to win His approval. Lord, help me!
* first step of comfort is in 2 weeks time. I am freaking out seriously...
- Willingness vs. Comforts -
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Saturday, June 08, 2019
Values + Success
Many people value success by counting what materials they have in life. Having few properties and few cars and good monthly income to many, it is a luxurious life and it is a success. Growing up struggling every day financially, our family never value materiality as a success. I did not grow up having everything, but I do know one thing that we can always do, that's to read. We cannot buy a lot of things, including Lego, games, etc. That's what we lack, but we are blessed with books and lots of books.
Someone will go for a job which they think will give them whatever material things they want in life and that they can live life luxuriously - having the world best ice-cream, beef steak, best world holiday, etc. Even to be able to fulfil their dream to be the COO, CEO, CFC, the boss of bosses, etc. That's would be the best job to have. That's generally what people is chasing after.
When you earn the whole world and losses God/the bit and pieces of the 'earning' in His kingdom, is that still a success? In the past few years, there are just too many friends and family members passed away. Sending them off, seeing them lie in the coffin, I always ponder, now that he/she doesn't have the chance to 'earn' a piece of 'earning' in the kingdom of God, did they regret? Did they regret spending time chasing after their own dreams and wealth and happiness on earth and forgot about 'investing' in the kingdom of God?
You may say, you still serve in the church or God. I don't have any doubt that you did and still do. But you work 24/7 for your bosses and company/firm, but are you doing the same for God? You can buy a few Rolex watches, but are you giving any to God? What are you investing in His kingdom, to be honest?
I don't value having everything as a success. Not because I have everything today. I don't have everything I want today because I don't need everything to lives a life that's to fulfil His purpose for me. What I need is sufficient enough for me fulfil the purpose He has given me. I probably value, getting a Masters Degree or PhD better than having few landed properties. I am not trying to justify my decision, I am just saying.... whatever God wants me to do, I will do, even though I am unwilling to ... and if He wants me to be a judge one day, I will too... but only if He directs me so. So what if I do not have few properties and few cars and millions of cash? As long as I am loved and valued by God as His faithful servant, I think I am contented.
- Value + Success -
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Compatibility
Over the past few years, on many occasions, I ended up asking the question of whether it is my problem that friends left me, unable to cope with partners and people. Most of the time, I think it's my problem. No doubt, I contributed half if not all of it to all these broken 'relationship'. When I signed up for a mission trip last year, the greatest fear in me was not about how to cope with the mission works, but if I am able to cope with the people I need to work with. I am glad I met a bunch of people who have one similar object/aim as me - focus on God, serve God, reach out to others and love God and people. It'd been a while since I last gather with people like this. I will say, it's probably I have never seen these group of people ever since I came back to Sabah. When we manage to co-operate to get things sorted every day and at the same time, minister to each other, communicate with each other and pray for each other, I thought that should last forever.
After a few nights of sharing and all with people that understand more of my situation, I soon realised my so-called 'relationship' problem only happens in Sabah and that's because we are of different level. No. I am not saying that my level is so high up that no one is able to reach. I am also not saying because I had my tertiary education in England in full and that's I am on a higher class or level. No. I am not. In fact, there are people who studied in England and lives in England for 20 years and still not at the same level as me. The thing is, there are many things that sum up this issue of 'level'.
It could be family background, education background, education level, attitudes and characters of the person, and even religious background or where you grow up at. Not everyone is of the same level, even though we could be having the same education or in the same professions. After I suffered major depression some 10 years ago, I tend to be very cautious about getting around with people that I am compatible with. I will still be able to get along happily with people that are of different level, but I am unable to be with certain people who are selfish, greedy and insensitive of other's feeling. I get annoyed when they always think they are right, or agitated me with their characters and attitudes. Yes. I get more sensitive these days and I don't mind they left me too, to be honest.
Over the past year, my only prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to do next and that I am not doing it alone. God has been good to send a few people into my life, who somehow acknowledged that they are not my friends, but my special friends. Some who spent time trying to understand my situation and to analyse things with me, etc. Some knew my weaknesses and still stick around, some just pray, some just sent comforts words now and then, some sent flowers and gifts or even just greetings from time to time. It's these people that I realise, (a) I am in a wrong place (b) I am in a wrong church (c) I need a life (d) I need to do something for myself after doing things for other for so many years now (e) It's time to step out and moves on because I am not dying as yet.
I am thankful to have found some people who are compatible with my thinking. It's so not easy to find one these days. I am very much reminded of who I am, why am I doing what I am doing now, why did I come back, what God says, what choice do I have, can i make those choices, etc. I am glad i am being forced to think instead of pushing it to the side and let things sink in as the day goes by.
Over the years, it's always about doing things for others. It is now time doing things for myself. What's next? (a) Transfer Bar to UK - in progress (I tried for the past 8 years and our Sabah Bar wasn't being recognised and I only got 1 year in Malaysian Bar, so....) ; (b) Finish the Arbitration Course (2/4 to go); and (c) finished the Research Proposal by September and start making applications to LSE and other Universities for PhD and pray hard that Fund is available so I do not have to let go of my condo and firm now. What's my back up in case I failed to get what I want? I can always come back to Malaysia to work or continue to be Solicitor in the UK. I guess... Or Solicitors in other places since Solicitors in the UK is acceptable everywhere in the world.
Praying very hard that all these are sorted by next year before the next mission trip in April 2020, so I can start sorting more things out by next year (by next year, I will be in the 15th years of practice, which I told God it will be the maximum years I am practising law). I remember too, that I told God that I will stop practising if one of my matter is going to Federal Court, which it just happened. So, I guess it is confirmed that I am leaving this practice soon (I know my mom is going to nag and worry and all.. but ya, whatever. hahaha.. )
If it is not now, I don't know when. Seriously. I could be much older compared to Liz, but I do get motivated by her. I am impressed in fact and at the same time, proud to know her. She's just one of those compatible people who talk senses and being rational as well as having so much feeling when you discuss matters with her. Someone who always end up saying, "let's uphold this into God's hand", or "let's pray". or "let's let God leads the way". When submitting everything to God even though she has the 'ability' to sort things out herself, is something admirable. That full submission to God, the acknowledgement of how weak we are and how great and marvellous God is..., she's just told me our lives is in His hand. I am blessed by her humanity and timidity when it comes to God. No. She does not grow up in church, she doesn't have parents who are Christian, she doesn't live in Malaysia, she's only 1/3 of Chinese, she is rich and super smart and yet, her focuses is only on God. Very impressive. I am certainly blessed to have known her and be ministered by her.
I can only say, we are of the same 'level' on a lot of areas of our lives. Unlike some people I met, always says, "I am like that, like me or hate me that's all" or "I am of low education and I am not up to your standard and then blame me for looking down at them" or "I didn't have the chance to study in the UK like you did, not so good life". Wow... was my life BETTER in England? While I was doing a part-time job to survives and eat only rice with soy sauce, where were you? People can push all the blames on me, rather than seeing how hard life would be for me to reach today. I am sorry you are not at the same level as me today, but I am not sorry that you are of another level today because you did not put efforts into it. So, stop pushing that blame on me. I didn't cause it. You do.
- Compatibility -
After a few nights of sharing and all with people that understand more of my situation, I soon realised my so-called 'relationship' problem only happens in Sabah and that's because we are of different level. No. I am not saying that my level is so high up that no one is able to reach. I am also not saying because I had my tertiary education in England in full and that's I am on a higher class or level. No. I am not. In fact, there are people who studied in England and lives in England for 20 years and still not at the same level as me. The thing is, there are many things that sum up this issue of 'level'.
It could be family background, education background, education level, attitudes and characters of the person, and even religious background or where you grow up at. Not everyone is of the same level, even though we could be having the same education or in the same professions. After I suffered major depression some 10 years ago, I tend to be very cautious about getting around with people that I am compatible with. I will still be able to get along happily with people that are of different level, but I am unable to be with certain people who are selfish, greedy and insensitive of other's feeling. I get annoyed when they always think they are right, or agitated me with their characters and attitudes. Yes. I get more sensitive these days and I don't mind they left me too, to be honest.
Over the past year, my only prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to do next and that I am not doing it alone. God has been good to send a few people into my life, who somehow acknowledged that they are not my friends, but my special friends. Some who spent time trying to understand my situation and to analyse things with me, etc. Some knew my weaknesses and still stick around, some just pray, some just sent comforts words now and then, some sent flowers and gifts or even just greetings from time to time. It's these people that I realise, (a) I am in a wrong place (b) I am in a wrong church (c) I need a life (d) I need to do something for myself after doing things for other for so many years now (e) It's time to step out and moves on because I am not dying as yet.
I am thankful to have found some people who are compatible with my thinking. It's so not easy to find one these days. I am very much reminded of who I am, why am I doing what I am doing now, why did I come back, what God says, what choice do I have, can i make those choices, etc. I am glad i am being forced to think instead of pushing it to the side and let things sink in as the day goes by.
Over the years, it's always about doing things for others. It is now time doing things for myself. What's next? (a) Transfer Bar to UK - in progress (I tried for the past 8 years and our Sabah Bar wasn't being recognised and I only got 1 year in Malaysian Bar, so....) ; (b) Finish the Arbitration Course (2/4 to go); and (c) finished the Research Proposal by September and start making applications to LSE and other Universities for PhD and pray hard that Fund is available so I do not have to let go of my condo and firm now. What's my back up in case I failed to get what I want? I can always come back to Malaysia to work or continue to be Solicitor in the UK. I guess... Or Solicitors in other places since Solicitors in the UK is acceptable everywhere in the world.
Praying very hard that all these are sorted by next year before the next mission trip in April 2020, so I can start sorting more things out by next year (by next year, I will be in the 15th years of practice, which I told God it will be the maximum years I am practising law). I remember too, that I told God that I will stop practising if one of my matter is going to Federal Court, which it just happened. So, I guess it is confirmed that I am leaving this practice soon (I know my mom is going to nag and worry and all.. but ya, whatever. hahaha.. )
If it is not now, I don't know when. Seriously. I could be much older compared to Liz, but I do get motivated by her. I am impressed in fact and at the same time, proud to know her. She's just one of those compatible people who talk senses and being rational as well as having so much feeling when you discuss matters with her. Someone who always end up saying, "let's uphold this into God's hand", or "let's pray". or "let's let God leads the way". When submitting everything to God even though she has the 'ability' to sort things out herself, is something admirable. That full submission to God, the acknowledgement of how weak we are and how great and marvellous God is..., she's just told me our lives is in His hand. I am blessed by her humanity and timidity when it comes to God. No. She does not grow up in church, she doesn't have parents who are Christian, she doesn't live in Malaysia, she's only 1/3 of Chinese, she is rich and super smart and yet, her focuses is only on God. Very impressive. I am certainly blessed to have known her and be ministered by her.
I can only say, we are of the same 'level' on a lot of areas of our lives. Unlike some people I met, always says, "I am like that, like me or hate me that's all" or "I am of low education and I am not up to your standard and then blame me for looking down at them" or "I didn't have the chance to study in the UK like you did, not so good life". Wow... was my life BETTER in England? While I was doing a part-time job to survives and eat only rice with soy sauce, where were you? People can push all the blames on me, rather than seeing how hard life would be for me to reach today. I am sorry you are not at the same level as me today, but I am not sorry that you are of another level today because you did not put efforts into it. So, stop pushing that blame on me. I didn't cause it. You do.
- Compatibility -
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