Right or Wrong, why do I care?

Many years ago, I remember my brother reminded me that, I cannot use the standard my parents taught me to expect things and people to be the same as we were taught.  He labelled the way we we taught and the way we grew up were almost perfect.  It was a small matter than, but as I grew up and faces different people from different background and cultures, I realised not that I need to learn to distinguish between what I can compromise, and what I cannot. 

I was depressed.  Very depressed because I hold tight on certain principles in life and not only that I cannot disagree with how others respond and handle the situation and matter, I also cannot compromise AT ALL.  Who suffer? I do. 

Was I too harsh to pinpoint the wrong doing of my sister, Leane, whom I love? After sharing the burden with a friend who always encourage me in my daily struggles, she scolded me being 'stupid' for not knowing that she left my life because through my life, she realised how imperfect she is.  I only know that we were of different level, but i didn't realised she's ashamed because I said things rightful about her sin.  No one, at least not many.... would be able to accept that others said something right after some secret and sinful sin they committed. 

I was reminded on last week's sermon.  Again, i heard my dad telling me, "according to the bible, as a spiritual leader, what you did was right.  you didn't do anything wrong".  This was told when I couldn't compromised on certain activities and actions of two christians couples.  Again, this time, it happens again, unfortunately, to my dearest sister.  Sad, but unfortunately, I wasn't able to compromise because that's what I couldn't compromise about, not just the action or her lies, but I couldn't and will not compromise to the sin.  I disagree that this sin be committed on people who stays in my place, who under my care and coverage.  Thank you Bishop John for reminding me by looking at my eyes and told me once again, "no, as a sister in Christ and as a spiritual leader, i did not do anything wrong to try my best to make sure her path is straight".  But that's it.  Since she quoted that even her parents are agreeable to what she did, I know i do not need to care or cover her anymore. I released myself from taking care of her even though it's so painful to do so.  I am upset.  I upset that I lost the battle, I lost her to Satan.  I angry with myself and I angry that she didn't even fight.  I was furious in fact.  But I still pray that God will have mercy on her and that she is still cover under the wings of God.  For now, I need to be released for a greater works than focus on the 0.001% lost souls in the world. 

Thank you Lord.... for telling me once again, it's not my fault.  It's just that it's not what I should compromise. 

- right or wrong, why do i care? -

Moving... slowly...!

Few years ago, when major depression struck, music was the only thing that can calm me or make me feel better.  This time, it's watching Grey's Anatomy from Season 1 until Season 13 (waiting for Season 14).  So much 'healing' .... as if the whole world is 'back'.  I was the one who was chasing after this TV dramas ... from season to season...... and i felt so much that someone would understand me better .... and yes, 'level' of understanding on culture, professionalism, etc. etc... just got me back on track to know who I really is.....

This GE14 made me understand more on how low level and understanding this society is, one which i can hardly cope.  No. England and elsewhere is not any 'better', if i am not with this group of same level people in my world.  Even 'my person' is not even of the level that i can talk to, or chill with, or share life with.  It's just different level and I started to realised, until and unless i get out from this group of people's circle, i will not be able to find myself again.

From series to series.... and i realised, my issue .... the biggest issue of me pushing people away, before they did or they might not have the intention to is because of abandonment issue I have all alone since birth.  There are a few occasions that leads and contributes to this.... and until and unless someone really loves me will be able to see it and helped me.... i know, i will have no way to get over with this pain and suffering.... The fear of losing my love one, always turned out that, i lose them anyway.... so, yup.... be it i don't like it, i will still lose them no matter how.  So, I need to make sure that i don't open up that wounds and being lost again another time in the future.  Distance is what i need.... friend is not what i need.. being alone is what i need.. and no intimate relationship is what i truly need. So, yes...... that's me... not loveable and a terrible soul. 

- Moving .... slowing ...! -

Being depressed and everything changed!

Delay sadness due to the demise of my dad end of 2017 .... i only felt it on the 3rd quarter of 2018, where everything settled down.  I couldn't imagine if i didn't have the trip to UK, taking care of mom, trials, works, 100th years celebration, etc. Well, the 3rd and 4th quarter of 2018 was not easy at all for me, but not even the person who stayed with me realised that i was depressed and I was completely needing 'help' and company.  I don't blame anyone on this.... 

When things really got out of hand happens end of 2018, one sentence and one incident caused everything to break and that's it....  the closest person in my life just told me (a) I am not her priority (b)  she is not professional and she cannot help and (c) she moved and left and cease communication with me completely.  May be that's what she think is the best moves.... in order to protect herself, she rather not wanting that kind of 'connection' with a 'mad person'. Well, I felt completely rejected, but reality is.... there's not a soul who is exceptional in this.  At least, God never loves me and never send anyone like that to me and for me.  

The fact is, if you think i know better about how to deal with depressed person, you are wrong, because just like you, i too have no clue what this sickness is and to bring and no clue how to help and deal with it.  I too, is not a professional.  Just like anyone who had diabetics...., it is all about whether you love the person enough to be around and to research and care how to help her or him to go through that sickness.  Obviously, I am all alone in this over the past few years and still is when depression on-set.  Worse still, when it happen again, and i am being attacked again, i was and am left alone.  Even though there are in many occasions, i told someone I am to die, all she did was to tell me she is going to bed and she posted a photo on Instagram instead. Yup, that's more important that me killing myself. 

I gathered that, i don't need this kind of people in my life.  Nope.  Even though i treasure this friendship and sister a lot in my life, i don't need her to be in my life anymore.  Bye!

How to deal with depressed person? Oh well... we all google don't we? I find that this is quite good: - 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-someone-with-depression.htm

Hope it helps some of you. 

- Being Depressed and everything changed! -