Moving... slowly...!

Few years ago, when major depression struck, music was the only thing that can calm me or make me feel better.  This time, it's watching Grey's Anatomy from Season 1 until Season 13 (waiting for Season 14).  So much 'healing' .... as if the whole world is 'back'.  I was the one who was chasing after this TV dramas ... from season to season...... and i felt so much that someone would understand me better .... and yes, 'level' of understanding on culture, professionalism, etc. etc... just got me back on track to know who I really is.....

This GE14 made me understand more on how low level and understanding this society is, one which i can hardly cope.  No. England and elsewhere is not any 'better', if i am not with this group of same level people in my world.  Even 'my person' is not even of the level that i can talk to, or chill with, or share life with.  It's just different level and I started to realised, until and unless i get out from this group of people's circle, i will not be able to find myself again.

From series to series.... and i realised, my issue .... the biggest issue of me pushing people away, before they did or they might not have the intention to is because of abandonment issue I have all alone since birth.  There are a few occasions that leads and contributes to this.... and until and unless someone really loves me will be able to see it and helped me.... i know, i will have no way to get over with this pain and suffering.... The fear of losing my love one, always turned out that, i lose them anyway.... so, yup.... be it i don't like it, i will still lose them no matter how.  So, I need to make sure that i don't open up that wounds and being lost again another time in the future.  Distance is what i need.... friend is not what i need.. being alone is what i need.. and no intimate relationship is what i truly need. So, yes...... that's me... not loveable and a terrible soul. 

- Moving .... slowing ...! -

Being depressed and everything changed!

Delay sadness due to the demise of my dad end of 2017 .... i only felt it on the 3rd quarter of 2018, where everything settled down.  I couldn't imagine if i didn't have the trip to UK, taking care of mom, trials, works, 100th years celebration, etc. Well, the 3rd and 4th quarter of 2018 was not easy at all for me, but not even the person who stayed with me realised that i was depressed and I was completely needing 'help' and company.  I don't blame anyone on this.... 

When things really got out of hand happens end of 2018, one sentence and one incident caused everything to break and that's it....  the closest person in my life just told me (a) I am not her priority (b)  she is not professional and she cannot help and (c) she moved and left and cease communication with me completely.  May be that's what she think is the best moves.... in order to protect herself, she rather not wanting that kind of 'connection' with a 'mad person'. Well, I felt completely rejected, but reality is.... there's not a soul who is exceptional in this.  At least, God never loves me and never send anyone like that to me and for me.  

The fact is, if you think i know better about how to deal with depressed person, you are wrong, because just like you, i too have no clue what this sickness is and to bring and no clue how to help and deal with it.  I too, is not a professional.  Just like anyone who had diabetics...., it is all about whether you love the person enough to be around and to research and care how to help her or him to go through that sickness.  Obviously, I am all alone in this over the past few years and still is when depression on-set.  Worse still, when it happen again, and i am being attacked again, i was and am left alone.  Even though there are in many occasions, i told someone I am to die, all she did was to tell me she is going to bed and she posted a photo on Instagram instead. Yup, that's more important that me killing myself. 

I gathered that, i don't need this kind of people in my life.  Nope.  Even though i treasure this friendship and sister a lot in my life, i don't need her to be in my life anymore.  Bye!

How to deal with depressed person? Oh well... we all google don't we? I find that this is quite good: - 

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-someone-with-depression.htm

Hope it helps some of you. 

- Being Depressed and everything changed! - 

Emotionally challenged!

I cannot believe when was the last time I had series of emotional failure.  Yes, failure due to unable to control, unable to control not because it is just emotions, but also..... the feeling of life and death - unable to breath... 

A friend came to stay with me... it was a good 2 1/2 years and I thought the episode will not happen again.  Unfortunately relapsed occured before I realised it and it's too late when it outburst to an unacceptable consequences, both for me and for her.  Looking back, i got better because she was there to help, but when she releases her hand ... I was lost even though i took so much efforts to control it for months.... yes.  I failed again and this time, it costs me a dearest sister and friend.  No one to blame except myself.  

How did it happen and why? I guess besides God, no one else understood the exactly reason and how it happen and why can't it happen in a better way and timing.  I realised my sadness and depressive mode could have been delayed when my dad passed away, but little did i know that i didn't aware that i pushed the emotions down by works and taking care of my mom for a year... when I got so down during the year end trip, i suppressed it until i returned home for Christmas where it was so bad.  Christmas without dad in 2017 (first year without him), was hard, but i didn't know it's even worse in 2018 (2nd year) especially when i went for my Master Degree graduation and returned.  It's more like i am done with what i need to do... including what i promised dad i will do - to get a Master Degree in Law. The emptiness suddenly sink in and I wasn't able to breath.  I was trying to find someone to talk ... and to no avail as everyone is busy with their own life.  Yes.  People only around when they needs me, not when i need them.  

After realising that people won't be available for me when i needed them, i started to push people away. Of course the one staying with me get most of it... from anger to pushing her away....it's just anger... angry that she didn't bother, she didn't realised, she didn't help and she didn't care. Unintentionally, i have uttered words that hurts her so badly because whenever i speaks, she kept silent and when she did that, i felt even more angry.  To a point, yes, she now accused me that I emotionally abuse her.  I am glad she moved (rather, i pushed her out when i know i couldn't hold myself anymore as she is not doing anything to change or to improves the way she treated me to makes me feel better.  Instead, she keeps telling me she is not a professional and she can't help much).  True, but sadly, .... yes.  No one can help to be honest.... not even myself or the dr.  The pain in it... is killing me.  And everytime those kind of words spoke to me..... it deemed as rejection.  Total rejections... which she will not understand until one day she experience it herself.  Every single words she utter to me like a sword or gun that shoot and aim at me. Literally pushed me to a point i wanted to kill myself so badly.  

Every single time i told her i am to kill myself, she will not bothers... and let me be and she walks away.  She's my closest friend... and .... she's doing that to me every single time.  Emotionally, I am challenged, very much.... to kill myself because of what she did and said.  Every day, i battle through life... and death and yet, all she is seeing is, i emotionally abuse her.  hahahahaha.....

How can a normal person says she emotionally abused by someone who has proven medical emotional problem? I don't know who is challenging who...... i only know i stab myself with a knife a few times but not dead yet after what she did and said. 

Well, may be i did abuse her emotionally because to her, i didn't like her going out with her new found boyfriend.. and everytime when i got angry because of what she said and did.... she related it to the new boyfriend.  In her eyes and mind... it's about the guy.  Every of her focuses is him and as long as not hurting her and her boyfriend, it is ok for me to die.  

Emotionally, i am very much challenged.  

I gave up living ... 

- Emotionally challenged! -