No. I am not going on with 'home' nor England... even though I probably have to pay the country a visit soon and more often in the future. Well, as it is stated in the title above, I am going to talk about death. I cannot remember when was the first time I experienced and came to know about death. Probably it's the death of our dog? I still remember both my brother and I buried it at our garden.. and my brother made a cross for the 'tomb'. Or, may be it's me who keep asking my dad to kill the whatever creatures out in the garden that made noise which disturbed my sleeps? or may be it's my dad who killed the mouse who made its' entry into our house and made me cried? or my dad who tried to killed the lizard which came near me trying to attack me? or may be because I stayed next to a church and I attended funerals more than anybody else. Following my dad and mom to visit the sicks and the death... has been one of the usual event in my life since I was born.
Furthermore, being a very weak person since birth, going in and out of the hospital is nothing uncommon. Seeing people cried when their children passed away just next to me is a norm to me. So, accepting the fact that people will die is nothing so difficult for me. Not that I like the feeling nor me like to ponder over how things like when someone died, etc. But it's a fact no one can escape from.
I thought I would not be able to handle things when my dad had suffered stroke. Oh well, we have been expecting this because of the number of medicine intake for a long period of time by my dad since the age of 20 until now. It's over 50 years.... it consider high risk. But many people has made me feel so 'sick' when they keep asking us why is this happening, etc. etc. etc.
When people died, people keep asking why why why. When someone who is poor and not known to anyone who is sick and died. No one even bother to ask him why and how, etc. When people whom we all know is sick, everyone asked why this thing happen to them.
Why are we asking that stupid questions where it can happen to everyone? I happen to had a long chat with someone who is rich and famous in the airport while our flight was delayed for 2 hours. He is someone close to our family and so, he was telling me his recent readings and ponders are on the issue of death. He says, for the first time, he said he has change his mindset to accept death in a good way.
I didn't want to scares him away by saying, "that's why I always wanted to die earlier and fast". To him, that probably not something he has gone as far to think of. To me, almost everyone who knows me know that's my wish. I remember Jonathan Tse said to me one day if i died, he will surely made a tombstone which says "I am finally here!". hahahaha...
Yes. What are we really when when are on earth? Who are we? only people who are rich and famous gets to be recognised when died? and how about those who were dead and not being remembered because they don't have a family?
My point is, i don't really bother how much impact I made to this world. I don't bother much about how much famous I want to be or how rich. That's not important. When I died, I died. I have nothing too. and the only one whom I care whether He will recognise me or not is Jesus, in the 'forever land'. So, why am I investing and wasting my energy in this world?
Oh well.... I am going to attend a funeral tomorrow. This is about 5th one this year. This time, it's a family friend .... someone who love and care for me since i am a baby.....
So, till then, ... I will see you again. :)
These 2 years, many was shocked with my dad's condition and amazingly, he is still around.... while other had passed away themselves. Hmm.... tell me, if you are reminded that the key to life and death is in God's hand, not ours.
Over the years ever since my dad's stroke, .... I have completely able to recognised who are the true relatives and friends and who are not. I am sorry to say, this is the last year I am going to be the 'good hearted' and 'able to fooled' niece of all of you. Next year onwards, I am making everyone pay their prices for treating me and my mom the way you all did.
- Death? -
Monday, November 25, 2013
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Down the memory lane.....
I start 'home' a lot lately.... yes, when I say Home, I do mean England. To a point, I have been mentioning it again and again and ended up, I bought a ticket to England next year. hahahaha.... I can't wait to meet all my friends, those heart to heart good friends. hehehe...
Anyway, let me share with you of the 1st year of my University. Speaking of that, let me introduce you to University of West of England, Bristol. I met someone today who told me UWE is a bigger University then University of Bristol. His daughter was in University of Bristol he told me. Anyway, I am proudly admitting that I graduated from UWE. Recently, i realised, many people started to said that UWE is really a good university. Many whom I know are also studying at UWE. Well, UWE is indeed a nice place to study.
When I first arrived (at Bristol International Airport - transit from Amsterdam by KLM) I was assigned an university accommodation, an apartment near Braemar Ave. at Filton area (Gloucester Road North), a place about 15 minutes by bus/45 minutes if i walk from UWE. I stayed there for 2 weeks. It's a three rooms flat and my housemates, one from Plymouth and the other one from somewhere in England. Every single night, they asked me to join them for a drink. Outside of the flat was HSBC Plc, a bread shop, a 24 hours grocery shop, a video shop and some other shops which I cannot recall. On my first day, the first place i went was to the HSBC pls to open a bank account.
On the first day of my uni, i missed my bus because there's just too many students going to uni and since my accommodation was almost the last stop before UWE, all the buses were full when they reached where i was waiting. On the second day, I woke up 2 hours earlier and took went to uni much earlier. I cried a lot on my first few days due to missing my class and so, I went to appeal and my parents who called to Uni who request for a on campus accommodation, I managed to get a place as then Ashley Village (now has been abolished and builded Mandap Hall). Ashley Village is just 5 minutes walk to my faculty. There's a telephone booth next to my 'house'. I was staying with lots of nasty people though. I get bullied, I got hated, I got cheated, I got very bad experiences on my 1st year.
My second year was much better as people I stayed with were excellent and even with my failure on my first year, I managed to pack myself up because of those wonderful housemates. Life was much better on second year as i was assigned to stay at Carroll Court. Because it's 2nd year, things were better. I gets to involve myself in Church, in Christian fellowship, etc.
My Third year was excellent because after 2 years of experiences and knowing Bristol, I have started to know almost every chinese in the city. With Janice , my best friend (thought we were not staying together in 3rd year), we constantly keep our contact together. Because of her and her husband (then boyfriend), I gets to know really a lots of people and started to build my life in Bristol. My involvement with Bristol University, the friends from there and christian fellowship, knowing Dr Dawn Lau, Dr Patrick Yong, Michelle Lee, Brenda Loong, etc... life has really changed a lot. In the beginning of the third year, after much prayers, I was then decided to come back to Malaysia to practice law. God moves my heart to love Malaysia.
I will never forget my life in England. The visits I paid to the late Rev Colin Thomas' place at Brownhill, Walsall, with Sara Thomas who studied nursing at UWE then (by coincident) during Easter, Christmas and many other occasions. visits I paid to my aunt's place by train and by buses. I really miss those places. I did also have a host (The Beam Cottage) in England, somewhere near Suffolk who took me in for a week or two just to be with them. That's the first time I came across knowing someone who suffer from Multiple Sclerosis (MS).
Oh well... that's all for today... will continue to talk about England again tomorrow? may be about holiday?
I really miss home....
- down the memory lane... -
Anyway, let me share with you of the 1st year of my University. Speaking of that, let me introduce you to University of West of England, Bristol. I met someone today who told me UWE is a bigger University then University of Bristol. His daughter was in University of Bristol he told me. Anyway, I am proudly admitting that I graduated from UWE. Recently, i realised, many people started to said that UWE is really a good university. Many whom I know are also studying at UWE. Well, UWE is indeed a nice place to study.
When I first arrived (at Bristol International Airport - transit from Amsterdam by KLM) I was assigned an university accommodation, an apartment near Braemar Ave. at Filton area (Gloucester Road North), a place about 15 minutes by bus/45 minutes if i walk from UWE. I stayed there for 2 weeks. It's a three rooms flat and my housemates, one from Plymouth and the other one from somewhere in England. Every single night, they asked me to join them for a drink. Outside of the flat was HSBC Plc, a bread shop, a 24 hours grocery shop, a video shop and some other shops which I cannot recall. On my first day, the first place i went was to the HSBC pls to open a bank account.
On the first day of my uni, i missed my bus because there's just too many students going to uni and since my accommodation was almost the last stop before UWE, all the buses were full when they reached where i was waiting. On the second day, I woke up 2 hours earlier and took went to uni much earlier. I cried a lot on my first few days due to missing my class and so, I went to appeal and my parents who called to Uni who request for a on campus accommodation, I managed to get a place as then Ashley Village (now has been abolished and builded Mandap Hall). Ashley Village is just 5 minutes walk to my faculty. There's a telephone booth next to my 'house'. I was staying with lots of nasty people though. I get bullied, I got hated, I got cheated, I got very bad experiences on my 1st year.
My second year was much better as people I stayed with were excellent and even with my failure on my first year, I managed to pack myself up because of those wonderful housemates. Life was much better on second year as i was assigned to stay at Carroll Court. Because it's 2nd year, things were better. I gets to involve myself in Church, in Christian fellowship, etc.
My Third year was excellent because after 2 years of experiences and knowing Bristol, I have started to know almost every chinese in the city. With Janice , my best friend (thought we were not staying together in 3rd year), we constantly keep our contact together. Because of her and her husband (then boyfriend), I gets to know really a lots of people and started to build my life in Bristol. My involvement with Bristol University, the friends from there and christian fellowship, knowing Dr Dawn Lau, Dr Patrick Yong, Michelle Lee, Brenda Loong, etc... life has really changed a lot. In the beginning of the third year, after much prayers, I was then decided to come back to Malaysia to practice law. God moves my heart to love Malaysia.
I will never forget my life in England. The visits I paid to the late Rev Colin Thomas' place at Brownhill, Walsall, with Sara Thomas who studied nursing at UWE then (by coincident) during Easter, Christmas and many other occasions. visits I paid to my aunt's place by train and by buses. I really miss those places. I did also have a host (The Beam Cottage) in England, somewhere near Suffolk who took me in for a week or two just to be with them. That's the first time I came across knowing someone who suffer from Multiple Sclerosis (MS).
Oh well... that's all for today... will continue to talk about England again tomorrow? may be about holiday?
I really miss home....
- down the memory lane... -
Monday, October 07, 2013
Ridiculous?
There's two things I am still wonder if I am feeling regret doing now...
1st. I came back to Malaysia because I was then so convinced and believed and committed that I should come back to Malaysia after my degree in England. By doing that, I let go of a relationship, a career, a place I call home. England has never been too difficult for me to lives like it's to many. I remember when my parents came with me to Bristol and England, they have realised and agreed with me that it's my place. Ever since I came back, life has never easy for me to adapt and lives. First with the injuries i had due to the weather, then the adaption to food and weather... (torturing). But I was doing all that for God, I thought.... because I was very sure that He wants me to come back to Malaysia and make changes to Malaysia and Sabah, in particular. Over a constant prayer for a year before coming back, I gave up applying for English Bar and came back to Malaysia for CLP and all.
2nd. I was so convinced and committed and believe that God was sending me to Christ Church Likas. But obviously, it was a torturing 6 years.
These 2 decisions caused much regret to myself. I am giving them up all together now. It was a terrible struggles and difficulties with God over the 2 issues before i left CCL. Due to the involvement and the love I had for the church and God, and my promise to Him, it really wasn't easy for me to just leave the church and not feeling upset about it. But I guess God is now saying, I should do something for myself rather than the church, for Him. Since young, i never have asked anything BIG from God. But i am asking God now ... to send me back home. After 13 years of trying, I am giving up. I am making a U turn.. the good thing is, I have been accumulating working experiences despite all these and so, I have at earned some 'working experiences'.
It's probably time to move on. I know income can be an issue for the next 2 years. But I don't want to care much. I want to fully concentrate on my studies and probably get a scholarship to proceed to do my PhD. I wish... i don't know if He will grant it to me. But this is now, my focus, my only wish in life.
Do think it is ridiculous? AFter all the conviction given to me by God, I ended up this way? Asking Him to allow a U turn?
- Ridiculous? -
1st. I came back to Malaysia because I was then so convinced and believed and committed that I should come back to Malaysia after my degree in England. By doing that, I let go of a relationship, a career, a place I call home. England has never been too difficult for me to lives like it's to many. I remember when my parents came with me to Bristol and England, they have realised and agreed with me that it's my place. Ever since I came back, life has never easy for me to adapt and lives. First with the injuries i had due to the weather, then the adaption to food and weather... (torturing). But I was doing all that for God, I thought.... because I was very sure that He wants me to come back to Malaysia and make changes to Malaysia and Sabah, in particular. Over a constant prayer for a year before coming back, I gave up applying for English Bar and came back to Malaysia for CLP and all.
2nd. I was so convinced and committed and believe that God was sending me to Christ Church Likas. But obviously, it was a torturing 6 years.
These 2 decisions caused much regret to myself. I am giving them up all together now. It was a terrible struggles and difficulties with God over the 2 issues before i left CCL. Due to the involvement and the love I had for the church and God, and my promise to Him, it really wasn't easy for me to just leave the church and not feeling upset about it. But I guess God is now saying, I should do something for myself rather than the church, for Him. Since young, i never have asked anything BIG from God. But i am asking God now ... to send me back home. After 13 years of trying, I am giving up. I am making a U turn.. the good thing is, I have been accumulating working experiences despite all these and so, I have at earned some 'working experiences'.
It's probably time to move on. I know income can be an issue for the next 2 years. But I don't want to care much. I want to fully concentrate on my studies and probably get a scholarship to proceed to do my PhD. I wish... i don't know if He will grant it to me. But this is now, my focus, my only wish in life.
Do think it is ridiculous? AFter all the conviction given to me by God, I ended up this way? Asking Him to allow a U turn?
- Ridiculous? -
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)