After a few weeks of preparing, to die to be made whole... I finally landed at a place where I never think I will have chance to return anymore. After a good breakfast at the 2nd airport I landed on the trip, I met up with a friend and then, we travel again to the next destination. Along the way, I finally had the chance to share and told her what exactly frustrates me about church and friends. I am glad finally someone understand completely why I said I cannot stand anymore at the church full of hypocrites. For the past few months, I came to know and experienced even more of the 'hyppocrites situation' where I must say, I have failed to control myself to accept the fact and let it not affect me. It somehow does. Yes, probably my focus has shifted, but I seriously having hard time blend into it and to be equally yoke with them. I am not sure if I have failed God or God failed me through His servants and people.
Does this place that I visited needs us? That's the first question came into my mind when I landed and met with the eldest. I am glad I met non-hypocrites because they are probably the first generation who came to accept Christ and they are so true in their serving and living for Him. The passions that they have, the guts that they have, the love that they have, ... it's not of a hypocrites. Instead, telling them that I am from a christian family, whom both my father and my brother are priest has make me feel so shameful. I was the hypocrites among them.
Being a professional and lived among them, I feel so shameful of being me. I hates the church and people here in this place.... until now, no one seems care enough to find out what caused me to be so depressed. Church has been one major part of my life. Losing the big part in my life, has left a very big and major hole in my life of which I have failed to get used to and caused me to be depressed. I am not sure how many realised that.... that explains why am I going back to my home church every week for Him. I need that 'emptiness' to be filled in order for me to get well. Instead of being understanding and being loving.... another big part of my life suddenly left me leaving the other 1/4 part of me being left blank.... and that... has added to the sickness... of which, no one seems wanting to care at all.
Well, I guess that's alright to me for now... I am not the one who cease all the communications. They did it. God is my witness. It explains completely what they want. I respect their decision.
Am I reborn? Well... At least my mind is working fine at the moment... been thinking a lot... about God, about His creation, wonder what pleases Him and what's not. When the corn fields has been my toilets, I thank the Lord how tough of a life I can go through.., when friend was bitten terribly by insects and I am not, I thank the Lord for His protection and I remember how I was trained since young to be tough.... I am back.
- Reborn! -
