Challenges...

... because of the closeness with this pastor, I was told things will be changed when I came back from England. I pleaded for him to wait till I come back from England and hence, 3 weeks of holiday with my parents weren't that great after all. So, the pastor have decided to leave and he has somehow 'caused' many leaders to leave FCC too and the hardest part was all those who are close to me left. Some left immediately when the pastor left and some left few months later ...gradually, I was all left alone with some others. Soon, I realise, those who left behind, weren't even the leaders of the church and some, left behind because they didn't like the pastor and most who had left behind were hurt and many 'wounded'. I who just came back... was asked to handle most of the works and ministries and I did tried to help as much as I can. With all these, I was also facing my CLP exam.. hence, I wasn't even able to concentrate fully in either way. I was not only being asked to be cell leader (after a few years of 'break'), but also to be supervisor taking care of a few cell leaders. At the same time, I was trying to 'comfort' a few of those who have left church because of the incident, etc. Coming back from England after 3 years of staying in England... wasn't easy for me to settle down. I struggled not only in the ministries and studies, but also the culture and mentality. It took me about 3 years or more to fully get used to life in Malaysia. From the chinese and english worship teams, I saw the needs in the english service more and hence, I joined them. I choose to be projectionist even though I was asked to be one of the musician and/or back up singer many many many times. Still, I love to be projectionist simply because I didn't see the point of standing up there with a group of people whose heart weren't for worshipping purposes, but for 'showing off'. Situation improved after a long while and only then, I joined the team in playing the bass. Meanwhile, I took over the Adult cell groups when they were 'fighting' ... . Seeing the 'pioneer' of the church fighting among themselves wasn't something very pleasant at all.. and looking after these adult cell groups... wasn't very relax too as they are older than me. Moreover, the cell group leaders always 'by-pass' me, the supervisor and discussed thing with the Pastor and at the end of the day, I was left behind without knowing anything and I was put in a very difficult position. When things wasn't done, both parties blamed me. Every sunday, together with a brother, we woke up at about 5am....

- challenges -

When I first came back...

Oh well, someone inspired me to write down what I went through for the past 8 years and so, yes, I am here, writing from the start... on the day when I first came back... from England. Of course, you can always cross-reference with this site: http://www.saddnesz.blogspot.com/. I was worshipping at STC, SS2 when I first arrived at KL in 1996. I still remember, it's only a handful of people gathered together every sunday and I helped with playing the guitar on every sunday even though I remember, we had many trained pianist who were then studied their piano degree in KL. Well, that will includes Nora Kim and Doris Chin who are serving at St. Patrick's Church, Tawau today. When I left for England, FCC was not formed. It was formed when I was in England and around 1997, I was informed that FCC is formed and they rented a place at Bandar Sunway. So, when I first came back, I joined FCC. For some reason, I was however being asked to serve in the Chinese service. I guess it was because I was actively involved in the Chinese service while I was in Tawau and therefore, I was asked to serve in the chinese service. However, as there's not enough manpower, I helped also in worship team in the English service. To cut the story short, I served in both services under 2 different pastors. As I was also persuing my Certificate in Legal Practice (CLP) at University Malaya, I remember a brother will come to the university and pick me up after my class at 6pm to church, for worship practice. Trust me, the practice normally finished about 11pm and by the time we had our dinner, I normally got home around 1am or 2am. I was then attended the chinese SS2 cell group at the previous STC meeting place. It's a challenge for me on the first year of my return from England as I was not only trying to adapt to the 'new environment' (trust me, reverse culture is harder than adapting new culture), but I also struggles with organising my time with my studies and also ministries. I somehow, did not know how I got through the year 2000-2001. I was busy and very busy... and when I return from a 3 weeks' holiday to England with my parents to attend my convocation in October, I was informed that the English service's pastor is leaving FCC and ...

... to be continue...

- when I first came back -

Huh?

Some people find it easy to share; some, being persuaded or forced, they will share too; some people feel comfortable to share with certain people and some people manage to share whatever with whoever. For me, shairng is something I am not used to, even with my family members or friends. Lately, 2 of my close friends thought it's unusual that I have limited conversation with my only elder brother. Well, we did talked when we need to, we did share, we did communicate when it is necessary. I know he is around if I need help, but apart from that, I guess I only tell him my 'general' news and trust me, I only received his and/or his family's news from my parents... and I have no idea if my parents ever told him about my condition. I still remember my mom called me one day asked what time my brother will be arriving in KK and I was shocked because I didn't even know he was on his way to KK. hahahaha... well, my parents do understand most of the time, the failure of communication caused by him because he failed to take initiative in telling me. Well, we were taught some how, not to cause inconveniences to others and at least, don't disturb others if possible. Hence, it has become a 'culture' that we only look for people when we need to and hence, sharing.... is something we don't usually practice or ... something we don't know how to practice.

Even though I don't really practice 'sharing', but somehow I couldn't stand the 'quietness' and hence, I asked God for friends, friends that I can talk to at least... (yes, it was hard for me to find a soul in KK that I can really talk to). Hence, God sent someone... not one. Two.

About less than a year ago, it was therefore, UNUSUAL for me to be 'captured' and being 'interrogateed' by 2 people whom I only know for a few weeks... since then, I must say... somehow, I am closer to them now then to my brother.

Well, sadly to say... no one before them... would ask me questions like they did and well, that's why I asked them why would they asked me in the first place. No . in the past, no one ever asked me things before and no one even interested in knowing me. No one will check on me to see if I reached home after a long night outside, no one will ever send me food when I was in the office stressed with tons of works... what can I say? I guess somehow, by all that they did... 'ice' was broken... and I was able to at least share with them when asked. (Yes, I still find it hard to share out of no where...)

Well, ... it's weird ... for me to at least see the face of mine which I not used to see all these while. I didn't know I can be THAT close to friends... I am sure you don't believe too, right? Anyway, not to worry. I do know they won't be physically permanent around me. No one will. I know...

Hmm... somehow, I think they know me more than my brother knows me...

p/s don't get me wrong... those of you who are close to me, you are still close to me... just 'different'.

- Huh? -