Beyond my control

1. My brain is out of my control. I suffer from memory loss frequently lately. I only realise I suffer serious memory loss when I took a long hours flight, but I realise, I am worse lately. It could be because I travel quite a bit lately and that, I suffer memory loss more frequently lately. Seriously, I am not sure if it is my pillow that caused it but it seriously beyond my control.

2. Situation that I am in. There are in many times, I tried to take control of where I shall be staying, but in may times, due to some other circumstances or situation, I am not being given a choice. So, when a friend called me this morning asked why am I in KK, I answered him "I don't know". Hahaha... If you want to ask me why a lawyer like me is so poor, I really wonder the same and I am seriously wonder now when is the client is going to pay me. ...

3. Feelings. I have a serious problem in controlling my own feelings towards things, people and situation. So, if you want to ask me 'why' I like a certain people and dislike a certain people, or why I like blue and not yellow, and why I am angry on this and not that, please... I don't know how to answer all those questions. I believe there's a reason behind, but... don't ask me. I really don't know.

- beyond my control -

Inexplainable facts

I am seriously in this dilemma of not knowing how to explain things people thought wrongly about me. I guess, I am at fault to put across such mindset and thoughts to their mind. Somehow, that's the only thing they thought I am and hence, they always hold that as 'correct'. No matter how much efforts I put to change their mindset, still, I failed to explain myself. To a point, I am giving up. I am seriously giving up. Hence, some realise I am distant myself from being with a certain group of people and I have also found it difficult and to be exact, I am lazy to deal with things anymore.

I guess some people just think I am the only person who will hurt them with my words and my actions sometimes and they never thought I am too, hurt by them. They too expect I step the step first to care for them and they never need to do that to me, ha? Yes, I am a giver but I am not a giver by nature. I learned from situation too. I might be able to give more than receiving, and no complain with that. But, please... I too a human being... !!! To choose between giving and receiving, sometimes, I just need some time to receive then to give. If you have fail to see this point, too bad. If you push me to give while I need to receive, you are seriously pushing me away.

Hai... what can I say? Concern? Care? Some people just need to learn to concern and care for others wheareas, people like me probably need to learn how to accept concern and care. Yes. After many years of giving and giving and giving... I probably need to learn how to accept concern and care. Oh well, may be... it's the methods people used against me that I am not used to? Whatever....

- inexplainable facts -

Prayer...

I cannot remember when was the last time I really prayed so hard about something to happen. I am seriously praying hard for things to happen as I prayed.

- prayer -