Since young, I always find it hard for someone to like me or love me because of who I am. All I gets are comments that I don't like. I am not smart, neither am I pretty or outstanding. My existence is merely due to I am someone's daughter, or someone's sister and not 'me' as ME. People recognise me and know me because of my parents, my brother, my uncles, my aunties, my relatives, my cousins, etc. etc. I therefore do not have my own identity ever.... until I reached England and met with this group of people who doesn't know me much. However, it bothers me as because they do not know my parents, my brother, I have this sense of 'rejection' when I was with them. I finally realise how many people arounds me accept me and I started to accept the fact that I am not someone whom some people will regards me as 'friend'. Some People will only regards me as 'friend' when they want something from me. Of course, I do have some whom are really dear to me as they know the 'real' me.
I found it hard to accept people arounds me and since then, I love to be alone even more. During my time in KL, I put on different faces when I met with different group of people. I HAVE to be strong when people expect me to be strong. I HAVE to be smart, when people expect me to be smart. I HAVE to be chicky when people expect me to be chicky. I HAVE to be good girl when people expect me to be good but I have seriously turned myself into a puppet instead. To many people, I am so strong that I can handle things happen around me by myself and people also thought that I do not need someone to love me, or hug me, or give me a pat on my shoulder or even prayer. And so, I have acted in my 'normal' self... i.e. when people do not want to help, I shall handle it by myself and may be that's the reason why I trained myself up to be really stronger and be able to handle things around me. Things happen to me makes me tougher and tougher each day.
To-date, I can 'proudly' say that I can even hide my own feelings. Even thought I am nervous and terrified, I can acted calm. When thing goes really wrong, I can still joke around and have fun. I am that good... .
It was these few conversation I had with some friends lately that made me recalled the past and realise that, because of my good 'pretention', I guess none of the family member do understand what I had gone through and what I am going through now. They never asked and even if they do, I can never be able to answer. I cannot remember when was the last time someone really care for me, and seriously, even if they do now, I will just acted so 'normally' and asked in my heart if this is sincere.
What happen to me in the past that caused me to be in today's state? I don't know. But I do know if it is not because of God, I probably has gone even worse and I probably have given up life. So if you ask me what is love, I can only tell you the experience I encountered with God.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I don't receive enough love from my parents. They have done a good job and whenever I struggles with living, they always around and they have been very understanding. I am not blaming them or anyone for anything. I am just happen to be in this 'situation'.
- ... to be continue -
