Illness!!!

I was suffering from flu, irritation of my throat, coughing and "sleeplessness" for the past few days. Well, I am not sure what is the cause of all these but it has really taken my good health away. I am suffering. I have no appetite for anything, I have no mood for anything. I do not feel like talking, I do not feel like doing anything basically. But, the reality told me that, I just can't leave everything and go now. I still need to work, I still need to eat, I still need to talk, etc.

I guess this illness has reminded me that, although there are so many things that made me feel like giving up and wanting to stop doing anything, but in real life, I still need to do it and deal with it. I was talking to a friend online yesterday morning and he just reminded that I have to face things and not hide it.

Over the years, I have been trying to hide myself from problems, from things, from everything basically. I hide my own feelings, I hide my needs, I hide everything basically. No one know if I really happy. No one know if I am really sad. Everytime people hurts me or step a foot on me to increase my pain, I just endure it, suffer from it without a tear. I do not make a sound no matter how difficult I was and how suffering I was. Sometimes, I really wonder why. I wonder why as well this morning. See, no one would appreciate what I did. At the end, people will only point a finger on me and scold me with all the swear words. They only know how they feel but never tried to understand my situation. To make them feel better, I sometimes just look at them and give them a smile and please them with what I can. Selfishness is what I call all these. Well, thank goodness I was told earlier that the willingness to give has to come together in one package, that is sadness, discouragment, happiness, sacrifies, and so on and on and on.

2 friends concerned about me over the weekend. They wonder why didn't I speak a word during the service last sunday. Well, if you are reading this, I am going to tell you why. It's because of all these things happen over a sudden, I wonder, I really wonder if I have been disobedient to God. Did He called me walk the full time ministry and I have neglected that? I was being reminded of the promise that I gave to Him once and suddenly, during the worship last Sunday, my heart just felt painful and tear did came out from my eyes and I just feel sinful and shameful. After the worship, I thought sitting down would help, but if you still remember, the sermon was about 'willingness'. I almost get up of my seat and left the church but I did not. My emotions was truely disturbed. OK OK OK... for the rest of you, stop what you are thinking. STOP!!!! I know what you want to say. Just stop it!!! Don't SMS me, Don't leave me a comment, DON'T!!!! If you really want to convince me and so on, do pray for me. Fair enough?

I honestly feel no enthusiastic to work as a lawyer. Not so sure about the reason and cause. But as I was driving to the bank just now. I just suddenly miss being in court everyday. I miss the court life. The thing that I don't really undrestand is that, I hate the feeling of standing in front of the judge and other fellow lawyers and speak out. But I do miss the court life. A friend asked me to help her with a case tomorrow and I just rejected it because I don't want to go to the court, but why? goodness me. I just dump a few hundred to the drain. hahaha..... I really am not sure. goodness!!!

I am totally lost. Really!!! May be it is because of my illness? No? Yes? I am getting irrational. I better stop typing and go home. Goodness!!!

- lost -

New Year!!!

Well, well, well... I am sure you had a good New Year celebration!!! Happy New Year to all!!! I know it's late ... but this is the 'earliest' I can send my greeting across. See, I was so busy 'entertaining' myself for the past few days. hahaha... and so many things pop up at the last few days of 2006 that caused me and my life in an upside down. I do not know what I want for 2007 really. As things keep on changing for the past 2 t 3 years, I am seriously feeling 'tried'. I know life will not be excited without all these experiences, but I am really feeling TIRED!!! Can't I have at least 2 to 3 years of 'good and peaceful life'? Again... my life is not in my hand!!! So, I am in no position to ask for it. "sob - sob!!!"

A friend asked me how did I celebrate my new year. Hmm.... to be honest... I had a dinner at my rector's place and there after, went out with 2 friends till past midnight and then went home. On 01.01.2007 at about 5am, I drove up to Kinabalu Park and Kundasan with 2 friends. At the evening, I went to a friend's place for home blessing and dinner and then followed by a drink at Starbucks. I started to feel weak in my lung since Sunday actually, but I do not wish to stay at home and that's why I am at home today to do all my works and relax. Whenever I thought of tomorrow, I just do not feel like going to work. So xian....!!!!

So, what's my 2007 resolution? I hope I die soon... hahahahahahahahaha...........ops... this phrase only for those who understood its real meaning...if you think I am giving up life, you are wrong. hahaha...

So yes... Happy New Year!!!!

- new year -

A Truely Merry Christmas!!!

Indeed, I had a Merry Christmas this year. I celebrated this year Christmas at home, Tawau with my parents and some other relatives who came back from other part of the world. I am satisfied with my holiday and celebration. Well, even thought I was on 'duty' on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day service being the church's camera women. hahaha... I really had a good time at home until my heart felt so burdened to leave for Kota Kinabalu. Well, talking about departing Tawau, there is this joke which caused lots of laughter to me, my parents and so many others. It's a mistake I made. After telling the whole church, friends, relatives and so on that I am leaving on 26th morning, a friend even offered to send me to airport as her sister also on the same flight, I only checked and realise that my flight was not on morning, but in the evening. hahaha.... and by then, it was about 10pm on 25th evening. hahahahahahahahahaha...... My parents didn't really laugh at my mistake, but shock instead because this kind of things will never happen to me and had never happen before. I always very sure about all these. After I contacted the sister who was suppose to send me to airport, my parents said now they know how tired I am. hahaha... well? I was tired before I went back for Christmas. I ended up even pay my phone bill, post my christmas cards, do money transfer and others in Tawau on my arrival.

On Christmas day, my aunt who came back from England cook us the Traditional English Christmas dinner, with Turkey of course. Wow... I missed it so much. So, I had really a full meal on Christmas day. Well, well, well, I know some of you not fancy on Turkey... one reason I can tell is that you never tried the good one and you don't know how to make a good one. hahahaha...

Well, I came in to office only yesterday and at about 11am, my partner suggested we had a partner meeting. A few things were raised by her. One of it is that she think she brings in more clients and that she wanted more shares. She did said she wants to be the head of this firm (actually she is now, but if she think she isn't, that's because she never comes in office), which I am ok with it. But, when she started her second point which is she wants to bring in another 2 partners in the year ahead, this I can't agree with. We are in the midst of loading for more projects and clients and we can't even see where is our source of income is going to be for the year head and she is already wanted to bring more 'expenses' into our firm. If she is holding more shares, that's mean she is going to decide whether or not to consider my opinion. So, at this juncture, I do not think I can agree with her in this.

After talking to her, I went out for lunch. I don't feel happy about her suggestion of course. Firstly because I did bring in clients as well. Big one, for the future. Hers is soon going to be over as her files is finishing very soon. Mine is in the progress. Secondly, I am doing all the office administration and accounts including banking, etc and she is not. Thirdaly, she never comes in to office. For example, now is 11:02am and she is still not in. Forthly, what if I got more clients later?

Well, her tones of voice is certain that she wants a higher share. Therefore thoughout the whole evening, I am just thinking and thinking and came out with these 3 options. 1st, that we will see how thing goes for the coming year to decide. 2nd, she pay me a sum to get shares from me. 3rd, I ask for my 50% now and leave the firm. If the first 2 options are not acceptable to her, then I don't mind taking the 3rd one but I won't give notice to leave, she wants more shares, she breaks the contract and she has to give me the notice.

When my mind reached the 3rd option, although I am feeling a bit nervous and worry, but there's one thing that came across my mind that I wanted to do first. That is to go mission for say a month. Where? How can I tell you? hahahaha.... So, I guess after this, it would be mission works. Meanwhile, I have planned 3 to 4 other plans that are moving now and so, I am ok with not practising law.

I am meeting one of the plan's person in charge tomorrow. Another one next week and ops... I had a talk with another one this morning. All the plans are moving on. hahaha... So, it is her choice. If she thinks she can handle everything without me, then I am also ok with it.

Well, well, well... I think the GodlyLawyer needs to pray a lot. Can you join her, please? ... thanks.

- A Truely Merry Christmas -