Emotional?

I just hate the feeling...

I just hate this moment came by so quickly...

I just hate leaving HOME again...

I just hate the fact that I can't find any job like those I can get in KL , in Tawau...

I just hate the feeling of starting all over again...

I just hate the feeling of missing my parents...

I just hate the feeling that I need to do everything by myself again...

I HATE IT...

1 day prior to departure!

Hmm.....it is really not easy to understand why such feelings came into me. I thought I didn't want to come back to Tawau 4 months ago and now what? .... I have this mixture of feelings in me...

1. Missing my parents and Tawau (HOME);
2. Scare of not getting used to life in KL; and
3. Nervous about new job and new experiences in KL.

I think I am really in the stage of wondering on the question of "why should I go?" and "Do I really need to go?" My mind, my soul and even my heart is really not settled. I was once again, bother by this question of 'settling down'. I need to stop moving around and settle in a place. But my mind is still thinking of moving again after 2 to 3 years later. ...

I guess my focus now are these:

1. Have a stable finance;

2. To be able to give to my parents;

3. Settle my debts ( accummulate since my Degree);

4. Get myself a MASTER in Law (LL.M); and

5. Go to mission trip every 2 years, if not every year.

So, I guess... living in KL for another 2 to 3 years should make all these possible.

...

Tonight is over. I am going to sleep in a while (11.54pm). But my heart is really not settled. Those feelings stated above still bothering me... and to be honest, it's getting worse!!!

- depress -

2 Days prior to departure!!

It is really not easy!!! I have another one and a half day left before I leave my parents to go back to KL to work. I was pondering over the issue of : Where is my home for years now. I keep on travelling for the past 10 to 12 years and a friend was suggesting that I should stop travelling and moving around, but settle down. Well, I am not sure why I can seems to choose where to settle down and I was asking my mom why can't I get a working place like those in KL to be in Tawau. It's certainly not easy for many to understand what I am struggling. To many, it's me, myself that make a simple thing complicated. Well, I believe, I did in certain points.

When I was thinking and pondering and trying to remember the cause that drew me back to Malaysia about 6 years ago, I started to realise and be reminded on the main reason I left everything in UK and came back to Malaysia. I shall call it 'my mission'. Hmm.... I guess, my mission is not fulfilled yet and that's why I am going back to KL again. I was just talking on line with a friend in England and that she reminded me on that mission again because she also 'received' that mission on Malaysian Christian Conference in England. ... KL OR TAWAU? has came to an end. Tawau is always my HOME. KL is my mission field. I can't settle just like others because others are not given the 'mission', but I did and that's the different.

The most difficult moment now is really to prepare myself to go back to FIGHT . It is really not easy to leave my parents behind... I really wish I can be around them all the time and always accompany them. ... this is too tough for me... to leave them and go... !!!! Hence, it is from the bottom of my heart that, I start missing them already!!!

- miss -